BEASTS  AT  LAW, 


ZOOLOGIAN  JURISPilVX>iENCE 

A  POEM, 

SATIRICAL,  ALLEGORICAL,  AJYD  MORAL. 
IN  THREE  CANTOS. 

TRANSLATED  FROM  THE  ARABIC  OF 

SAMPFILIUS  PHILOERIW,  Z.  Y.  X.  W.  £?c.  ^c. 

"yThose  Fables  have  made  so  much  noise  in  the    East,  and  whose  fame  h 
eclipsed  that  of  JEsop. 

WITH  NOTES  AND  ANNOTATIONS. 


BY  SAMUEL  JVOODlVORTJf. 


*  I  call  no  man  an  Ape  or  Ass, 

'Tis  his  own  conscience  holds  the  glass/' 


MEW-YORK: 

PRINTED  AND  PUBLISHED  BY  J.  HARMER  £;  C0, 

A'o,  35  .Vassa 


1811. 


• 


Districf  of  New-York,  ss. 

##*# 

^*         *#  Be  it  Remembered,  that  on  the  thirteenth  clay 
*     L.  s.      *of  September,  in  the  thirty -sixth  year  of  the  In- 
#  *   dependence  of  the    United  States  of  America, 

%*##*  DAVID  H.  REINS,  of  the  said  district,  hath 
deposited  in  this  office  the  title  of  a  Book,  the  right  where 
of  he  claims  as  proprietor,  in  the  words  following1,  to  wit : 
'•'  Beasts  at  Law,  or  Zoologian  Jurisprudence  ;  a  Poem,  Satiri- 
ral,  Allegorical,  and  Mor.J.  In  three  Cantos.  Translated 
from  the  Arabic  of  Sampfilius  Philoerin,  Z.  Y.  X.  W.  &.c.  &c. 
v/hose  Fables  have  made  so  much  noise  in  the  East,  and  whose 
f.iine  has  eclipsed  thatofJEsop:  With  Notes  and  Annota 
tions:  By  Samuel  \V~oo  Jworth. 

"1  call  no  man  an  Ape  or  Ass, 
'Tis  his  own  conscience  holds  the  glass." 
In  conformity  to  the  act  of  the  congress  of  the  United 
States,  entitled  "An  act  for  the  encouragement  of  learning, 
fry  securing  the  copies  of  maps,  charts,  and  books  to  the  au 
thors  and  proprietors  of  such  copies,  during  the  time  therein 
mentioned."  And  also  to  an  act,  entitled  "An  act  supple 
mentary  to  an  act,  entitled  an  act  for  the  encouragement  of 
learning,  by  securing  the  copies  of  maps,  charts,  and  books 
to  the  authors  and  proprietors  of  such  copies,  during  the 
times  therein  mentioned,  and  extending  the  benefits  thereof 
to  she  arts  of  designing,  engraving,  and  etching  historical  and 
other  prints."  CHARLES  CLINTON, 

Clerk  of  the  District  of  New -York. 


TRIAL, 


PRESENT, 

LEO.,. .the  Lion,     -    -         -    Vicegerent^ 
APER....the  Boar,  j  d 

TiGKis..,,the  liger,       5 


COUNSEL. 


For  the  Prosecution. 
URSi-s.,..the  Bear. 
I*  AU  D  us... .the  Panther. 
EQJJ  o  s....the  Horse. 
MARTEs....the  Martin. 
CERVus....the  Stag-. 

THE  BEASTS 


For  the  Defendant. 
LEOPARDUS..  .the  Leopard, 
DAM  A. ...the  Buck. 
VERT  AGVS... the  Greyhound, 
REYNARD... .the  Fox. 


On  trial.     Indictment, 
Assault  and  Battery  % 
CAXIS.  3  On  CAPRA. 

Jurors  sworn— twelve  Bulls. 

Evidence  for  the  Beasts. 

Cap™— the  Goat.  j!       Jlnla— vi;e  Mule's  mats, 

flshi-us — the  Ass.  *1n  old  Fox,  and 

Mulus — the  Mule.  Ten  others. 


Evidence  for 

First  Day. 
Or  in  —  the  Sheep. 
«\'iag  —  the  Magpie. 
Poll—  the  Parrot. 
C'Anmba  —  the  Pig-eon. 
Pahunbes  —  the  Ringdove. 
The  Goose. 

Carditelis  —  the  Goldfinch. 
The  Partridge. 
Slier  ula—  the  Blackbird. 
Penelope  —  the  Widgeon. 
J\fonedula  —  the  Duw. 
A  't.iniidica  —  the  Turkey. 
The  Mockbird. 
The  Grouse. 
The  Weasle. 
The  Mouse. 


the  Defendant. 

Second  Day, 
The  Moose. 

Hubecula — the  Redbreast. 
Gallinago — the  Snipe. 
Scalopax — the  Woodcock, 
Corniculvs — the  Rabbit. 
Erinacevs — the  Hedgehog; 
The  Opossum. 
The  Rat. 
The  Sparrow. 
The  Woodpecker, 
The  Quail. 
The  Fen-it. 


Beasts  alluded  to  in  the  Poem. 


Fe7is  —  the  Cut. 

•  la  —  -ho  Bitch. 
Scrofa  —  the  Sow. 


•Goat 

.in  .date'ope,  and 
A  Deer, 


THE  ARGUMENT. 

The  beginning* — The  subject  proposed,  in  a  dedication  to 
the  Lion — The  Mammoth,  with  the  municipal  and  judicial 
regulations  of  his  kingdom,  and  the  moral  rectitude  of  his 
subjects — CANIS,  the  Shepherd,  his  character  and  popu 
larity — Sheep  washing— CAP RA,  a  Goat,  enters  a  complaint 
against  her  shepherd  for  abusing  his  trust — The  grand  jury, 
on  her  evidence,  find  a  bill  against  him — Description  of  the 
season,  and  the  Lion's  conch — CAPRA  petitions  the  Lion 
that  the  cause  may  be  tried  before  the  Great  Court,  (small- 
er  matters  being  generally  decided  by  arbitration) — JACK- 
ALL  ordered  to  summon  the  members  of  the  Great  Court 
to  attend-The  Court  convened-Judges,  marshals,  jurors, 
high -sheriff,  &c. — Ancient  mode  of  opening  court — Attor 
ney-general — Indictment  for  assault  and  battery— Defend 
ant  pleads  not  guilty— Names  and  description  of  the  coun 
sel  on  both  sides,  with  some  anecdotes  of  their  lives— 
Pleadings  opened,  on  tiie  part  of  the  beasts,  by  URSUS,  the 
'Bear— CAPRA  examined  by  PARDUS,  the  Panther—Cross- 
examined  by  REYNARD,  the  Fox-Defendant's  case  opened 
by  DA  MA  the  Buck — Names  of  witnesses  for  defendant 
culled— Witnesses  sworn — Ovis,  an  ewe,  examined  by  DA- 
MA — Cross-examined  by  PARC  us— Court  adjourn. 

Scene — Banks  of  the  Missouri.     Time — seven  hours. 

*  As  it  is  said  to  be  necessary  for  all  things  to  have  a  begin- 
mm?,  a  middle,  and  an  end;  and  as  I  hate  invocations  or  apos 
trophes  .f'f  any  Kind:  I  choose  to  bey  in  tvith  "The  beginning," 


BEASTS  AT  LAW. 

A  POEM, 

IN'  THREE   CANTOS. 


CANTO  I. 

$'ve  seen  two  tetchy  school-boys  fight, 
Till  tears  and  blood  obscured  their  sight ; 
And  then  both  enter  their  complaint, 
And  MASTER  with  the  fact  acquaint, 
Who  heard  their  stories  long  and  ample, 
Then  floggM.  them  both  for  good  example. 

Author's  .I 

<f  MORTALS,  avaunt  t"  ye  biped  race, 
Who  boast  an  image,  form,  and  face, 
Of  stamp  divine  I  no  more  for  you 
I  waste  my  breath  and  labor  too ; 
No  more  I  sing  to  souls  who  scorn 
The  warblings  of  my  vocal  horn, 
But  wake  for  those  the  tuneful  lay 
Who  heard  when  Orpheus  deign'd  to  play 
Who,  charm'd,  forgot  their  native  choler, 
And  danced  a  hornpipe  round  Apollo. 
Yes,  'tis  for  you,  untutored  tribes, 
Whose  plaudits  are  not  won  by  bribes  ; 
It  is  for  you,  ye  quadrup'd  throng, 
That  I  invoke  the  muse  of  song  ; 
That  Fancy  now  extends  her  wings 
And  wantons  o'er  the  silver  strings, 

B 


6'  BEASTS    AT    LAW. 


AIM  tuon,  great  LSQI  T  deign  to  hear 
A  strain  unworthy  of  thine  ear  ; 
Thou,  from  whose  patriotic  toil 
This  Eden-realm  receives  its  smile  ;  20 

Whose  generous  paw  supplies  with  food 
Each  den  of  misery  in  the  wood  ; 
Who  helps  the  weak,  restrains  the  strong.... 
O  listen  to  my  humble  song  ! 

And  while,  from  legal  duties  freed,  25 

Keclining  on  the  enamel'd  mead, 
Where  flowery  sweets  obsequious  spring.... 
Accept  the  offering  which  I  bring  ; 
Receive  my  tributary  strain, 

And  snake  with  joy  thy  shaggy  mane,  30 

Then  roar  thy  gracious  plaudits  round, 
Till  distant  echoes  learn  the  sound. 
Her  beastly  theme  the  blushing  muse 
Prays  that  its  moral  may  excuse  ; 
For  though  her  numbers  may  be  rude,  35 

She  means  them  for  the  public  good. 
,To  lash  the  fiend  of  folly  hence, 
"Expose  the  abject  slave  of  sense, 
Strip  Virtue's  garb  from  Vice's  form, 
Screen  innocence  from  slander's  storm,  40 

Make  mean  revenge  and  malice  know 
.They  slay  themselves  to  wound  their  foe, 
Shall  be  the  object  of  her  story, 
Which  dresses  truth  in  allegory. 

In  early  ages,  (long  before  45 

Columbus  sought  the  western  shore) 
Ere  art  had  stript  the  sylvan  plain 
Beyond  the  Appal  r.chiah  chain  : 


BEASTS    AT    LAW.  7 

Or  man  had  taught  the  trade  of  blood 

To  the  wild  tenants  of  the  wood  ;  50 

Near  where  Missouri's  fountains  play, 

A  Mammoth  held  his  regal  sway, 

With  policy  correct  and  mild, 

O'er  every  beast  that  trod  the  wild. 

The  last  of  all  that  mighty  race  55 

Whose  relics  now  manure  the  place, 

The  monarch,  in  his  great  career, 

Confess'd  no  rival  or  compeer. 

His  subjects  view'd  his  matchless  size, 

Which  spurn'd  the  earth  and  sought  the  skies,    GO 

And  e'en  the  Lion  stood  in  awe, 

And  view'd  askance  his  kingly  paw. 

Where'er  he  moved,  or  south,  or  north, 

lie  seem'd  a  mountain  stalking  forth  ; 

Whene'er  he  drank,  the  rivers  fled,  6j 

And  Mississippi  left  her  bed  ; 

But  when  obeying  nature's  whim, 

(For,  just  like  us,  she  govern'd  him) 

Again  the  mighty  borrowed  floods 

Resumed  their  place,  or  drown'd  the  woods.          TO 

The  mountains  tottered  when  he  ctept, 

And  dew-drest  forests,  trembling,  wept. 

Such  was  the  Mammoth,  when  he  bore 

The  kingly  rule,  in  days  of  yore; 

When  sa.age  tribes  his  power  beheld  73 

And  own'd  him  monarch  of  the  field, 

Beneath  his  strict  but  gentle  sway, 

His  subjects  seldom  went  astray  ; 

But  beasts  and  birds  enjoy'd  repose. 

Secured  alike  from  wnrst  and  foes ;  80 


3  BEASTS    AT    LAW. 

In-  safety  cropp'd  the  verdant  blade, 

Or  drank  where  gurgling  streamlets  stray fd  j 

Whilst  strict  observance  of  the  laws 

Their  constitution  kept  from  flaws ; 

And  none  on  flesh  presumed  to  feed,  $3 

Save  when  the  law  bade  felons  bleed ; 

And  then  the  court  would  never  fail 

On  such  a  banquet  to  regale. 

The  Lion,  prince  of  noble  blood, 
Vicegerent  of  the  kingdom  stood;  (JO 

And,  as  became  his  royal  port, 
The  great  high  judge  of  every  court. 
*Twas  his,  unwarp'd  by  threats  or  bribes, 
.To  class  the  beasts  in  various  tribes ; 
Appoint  their  officers,  to  hold 

A  guardian  watch  in  every  fold ;  35 

And,  where  injustice  took  effect, 
The  base  procedure  to  correct. 

Vices,  in  these  old-fashioned  times, 
With  vulgar  brutes,  were  counted  crimes  j          100 
And  chastity  was  understood 
As  something  laudable  and  good. 
The  males  (our  legend  further  says) 
Were  not  such  rakes  as  now-a-days : 
The  dog,  for  instance,  ne'er  went  round  105 

To  kiss  each  wanton  slut  he  found, 
But  to  one  mate  each  beast  was  stinted, 
And  was,  'tis  said,  with  one  contented. 

Among  the  rest,  a  Mastiff,  bold, 
Was  stationed  to  protect  a  fold ;  110 

From  every  dangerous  foe  to  keep 
A,  thrifty  flock  of  Goats  and  Sheep, 


BEASTS   AT    LAW. 

Who  had,  for  health  and  conscience's  sake. 

Been  cleanly  wash'd  in  Erie's  lake. 

While  faithfully  his  post  he  kept, 

They  fed  secure,  and  safely  slept;  ll$ 

And  ne'er  was  shepherd  more  revered, 

Beloved,  and  honored,  by  a  herd. 

But  -while  the  trusty  guardian  grew 

In  favor  both  with  ram  and  ewe,  120 

A  female  Goat  the  Dog  accuses, 

And  swears  that  he  his  trust  abuses  ; 

Which  charge  she  pledges  to  support, 

When  cali'd  upon,  before  the  court. 

The  jurors  on  the  case  confer,  125 

And  find  a  bill  against  the  Cur. 

'Twas  summer,  and  the  world  was  gay, 
The  zephyrs  taught  the  leaves  to  play  ; 
The  forest  was  arrayed  in  green, 
And  feathered  songsters  charm'd  the  scene. 
The  Lion  on  his  couch  reclined,  1 30 

(A  mound  of  turf,  with  flowers  behind) 
When  GOAT'S  petition  was  presented.... 
The  prince  perused  it,  and  consented 
His  herald  should  a  summons  send 
That  all  the  learned  court  attend  :  135 

The  JACKALL  the  commission  took, 
And  at  his  call  the  forests  shook. 

The  court  were  now  convened  in  state 
To  enter  on  the  grand  debate ; 
And  beasts  and  birds  of  every  size  140 

Were  throng'd  around  with  staring  eyes  ; 
The  lordly  Lion  took  the  chair, 
Whose  smile  was  hope,  whose  frown"  despair  j 


j'0  BEASTS    AT    LAW. 

Before  the  terror  of  whose  look 
The  savage  tribes  with  tremor  shook- 
A  Tuscan  Boar  upon  his  right, 
Whose  rage  once  put  a  host  to  flight, 
Supports  his  prince ;  at  whose  left  hand 
A  royal  Tiger  takes  his  stand : 
For  here  'twas  also  understood  150 

Judges  should  be  of  noble  blood. 
With  bamboos  arm'd,  a  Monkey  band, 
Assembled  thick  on  every  hand, 
To  summon  witnesses,  or  keep 
The  peace  between  the  dogs  and  sheep  ;  152 

.And  twelve  grave  Bulls  empannelled  were 
The  jury  in  this  grand  affair  ; 
The  Elephant,  with  lofty  port, 
High-sheriff  of  the  noble  court, 
Conducted  prisoner  to  the  place,  160 

•To  answer  plaintiff  in  the  case. 

The  judge,  with  magisterial  growl> 
.For  order  call'd,  then  bade  the  Owl 
(The  cryer  and  clerk)  to  open  court 
Axnd  the  impending  cause  report.  165 

Cryer.  "  Whoo-hoo  !  whoo-hoo  !  whoo-hoo !  I  call 
Birds,  Beasts,  and  Reptiles,  one  and  all, 
*Who*ve  any  suit  to  try  or  plead, 
To  name  it  ere  the  court  proceed ; 
To  state  each  wrong,  and  cause  of  sorrow,  1 70 

Or  they  may  not  be  heard  to-morrow. " 

URSUS,  the  public  prosecutor, 
A  subtle,  deep,  but  calm  disputer, 
Arose  with  dignity  and  grace, 
And  thus  explained  the  present  case  :  i 75 


BEASTS    AT    LA\V.  11 

INDICTMENT. 

"•  The  jurors  of  the  beasts  present 
On  oath,  that  Dog  had  bad  intent, 
And  mere  than  once  presumed  to  leap 
On  plaintiff,  while  among  the  sheep. 
July  the  first,  two  years  ago,  180 

Defendant  first  began  to  grow 
Impertinent,  and  in  the  wood 
Committed  actions  base  and  rude ; 
And  in  and  on  her  body  fair, 

.By  force  of  paws,  did  then  and  there  IS5 

Beat,  bruise,  ill  treat,  assault,  and  so  forth, 
As  plaintiff's  evidence  will  show  forth  ; 
And  other  wrongs  and  injuries, 
Which  modest  goats  must  sure  despise, 
To  plaintiff's  damage  and  distress,  ICO 

I;or  which  she  humbly  prays  redress.** 

Count  second  states  a  like  offence, 
On  March  the  first....fifteen  months  since  j 
To  both  of  which  defendant  pleads 
«  Not  guilty"  and  the  clerk  proceeds,  195 

The  plaintiffs  counsel  to  report, 
And  read  their  names  before  the  court. 
The  Bear  was  foremost  on  the  scroll, 
From  frozen  regions  near  the  pole, 
But  with  acquirements  great  at  least  £00 

.As  those  of  any  northern  beast ; 
And  without  tarnish  on  his  name, 
URSUS  was  not  unknown  to  fame. 
A  Panther,  next,  espous'd  her  cause, 
No  novice  in  the  school  of  laws  ',  £0.5 


!£  BEASTS    AT    LAW. 

But  who  deriv'd  his  greatest  fame, 

From  ardour  in  pursuit  of  game ; 

For  PARDUS,  fleetest  of  his  race, 

Was  never  known  to  yield  the  chase. 

With  him  appeared  a  noble  Steed,  210 

Surpassing  all  Arabia's  breed, 

Who  once  had  made  a  despot  feel 

An  argument  by  dint  of  heel  ; 

Who  spurn'd  oppression's  bit  and  rein. 

And  emigrated  o'er  the  main  ;  215 

And  here,  the  advocate  of  right, 

EQUUS  would  never  yield  in  fight. 

A  MARTIN  followed  on  the  list 

The  cause  of  virtue  to  assist ; 

While,  nodding  graceful  in  the  rear,  220 

The  antlers  of  a  Stag  appear, 

Who,  were  he  poised  in  even  balance, 

Would  find  his  worth  surpass  his  talents  ; 

While  some  of  CERVUS  boldly  say, 

His  vanity  would  both  outweigh.  225 

These  for  the  Goat.     Who  view'd  the  host 
Thought  the  poor  Mastiff's  case  was  lost ; 
And  scarcely  could  refrain  the  tear, 
Till  his  four  champions'  names  they  hear  : 
A  Leopard,  whose  unspotted  fame  230 

Shed  brilliant  lustre  on  the  name  ; 
Who  never  yet  had  moved  a  paw 
To  strain,  pei  vert,  or  twist  the  law  ; 
Stood  first  upon  the  catalogue 
Of  learned  counsel  for  the  Dog.  ,  $33 

The  next,  a  Buck,  of  manners  mild- 
Though  \y>th  a  disposition  \yildj 


LEASTS    AT    LA\V.  13 

Who  more  than  once,  in  mortal  strife, 

Had  stood  at  bay  and  saved  his  life  ; 

And  DAMA'S  spunk  was  thought  as  good  240 

As  any  Hare's  in  all  the  wood. 

A  matchless  Greyhound  next  is  named, 

For  honor,  wit,  and  learning,  famed, 

Who,  when  by  tyranny  opprest, 

Burst  from  his  chains  and  sought  the  west ;         24  J 

And  here,  when  virtue  wish'd  a  friend, 

Was  always  foremost  to  defend  ; 

Ills  temples  bore  the  wreath  of  fame, 

And  faithful  VERTAGUS  his  name. 

Sly  Reynard  next,  "  though  last  not  least,"  2^0 

As  deep  in  law  as  any  beast, 

Completed  the  defendant's  number, 

As  more  would  but  the  cause  encumber. 

Preliminaries  being  now 

Adjusted,  well  as  beasts  knew  how,  £55 

A  motley  host  of  evidence 
For  prosecution  and  defence, 
Of  beasts,  and  birds,  and  every  thing 
That  moves  a  leg  or  spreads  a  wing, 
(A  picture  true  of  Noah's  ark)  £60 

Were  ordered  forward  by  the  clerk. 
These  ushered  in,  spectators  found 
A  station  in  the  circle  round, 
Where  all  the  curious  ones  convene 
To  hear  and  see,  or  to  be  seen.  265 

What  pains,  ye  gods  !  both  sexes  took, 
At  Goat  or  Dog  to  have  one  look  ! 
What  winning  airs  the  males  assumed  ! 
They  strutted,  prated;  sv;orc  and  fumed: 


14  BEASTS    AT    LAW. 

Tried  every  art,  and  rack'd  invention,  270 

To  catch  the  modest  Goat's  attention. 

And  then  the  females. ...how  they  simpered, 

Ogled,  whispered,  smirk'd  and  whimpered  I 

How  the  little  birds  would  rummage 

To  adjust  their  glossy  pluriiage  J  275 

Then  in  wanton  circles  fly, 

And  each  attractive  movement  try 

To  catch  the  mastiff's  roving  eye. 

"  The  Goat,  cries  one,  must  be  a  brute,  280 

60  sweet  a  Dog  to  prosecute. 

Accuse  the  pretty  cur  of  rudeness  ! 

Why,  the  dear  rogue's  a  lump  of  goodness ; 

I'd  not  believe  the  Dog  would  do  it, 

Although  I  saw,  and  felt,  and  knew  it." 

"  Order  1"  the  judge  indignant  roar'd....  285 

Order  was  at  the  word  restored, 
When  URSUS-  rose,  stretch'd  forth  his  paws, 
And  thus  for  plaintiff  ope'd  the  cause  : 

"  Respected  members  of  the  jury, 
I  rise  reluctant,  I  assure  you,  2CO 

To  unfold  a  blackened  catalogue 
Of  actions  that  must  damn  the  Dog. 
Your  £os-ships  are  to  hear  a  suit, 
Brought  by  a  harmless  female  brute, 
For  'zault  and  battery  by  defendant,  2-95 

Who  guilty  is  you  may  depend  on't. 
The  indictment  charges  him,  we  find, 
With  acts  of  that  peculiar  kind 
Which  law  thus  technically  terms, 
And,  as  you  hear,  the  bill  affirms  500 


BEASTS    AT    LAW.  15 

The  acts  were  /wo,  distinct  in  feature, 

But  just  the  same  in  grade  and  nature. 

Perhaps  no  crimes  more  common  are, 

But  still,  the  fame  of  this  affair 

Has  spread  so  wide,  that  every  beast  305 

Must  feel  a  little  queer,  at  least. 

No  doubt,  my  lord,  that  some  in  court, 

Are  prejudiced  by  mere  report ; 

Those,  in  particular,  who  know 

Of  circumstances,  long  ago,  3 10 

In  which  this  Dog  was  implicated, 

Am»  justly,  too,  I've  heard  it  stated. 

liiU  still,  my  lord,  we  would  assure  you, 

And   allthe  Bulls  upon  the  jury, 

That  we  most  earnestly  desire  315 

Your  prejudices  may  expire  ; 

Your  prepossessions  be  discarded, 

And  nought  but  fact  and  truth  regarded. 

I  only  make  these  observations, 

Because  so  many  false  relations  320 

Are  handed  round,  about  the  fact, 

As  puzzles  reason  how  to  act. 

I  therefore,  as  becomes  my  station, 

Request  a  fair  investigation, 

Impartial,  candid,  and  complete,  3«5 

And  then  I'm  sure  of  Dog's  defeat. 

"  It  will  turn  out  in  evidence, 
That  CANIS,  prior  to  this  offence, 
Was  guardian  of  a  certain  flock. 
And,  what  may  well  your  lordship  shock,  330 

The  plaintiff  was  a  member  there, 
And  fed  beneath  his  watchful  care. 


16  BEASTS    AT    LAW. 

That,  under  friendship's  false  pretence, 
He  treacherously  allured  her  thence, 
And  when  they  were  retired  apart, 
Declared  the  purpose  of  his  heart, 
Which  was.... I  blush  the  fact  to  mention.,,. 
Which  \vas....a  criminal  connection 
In  legal  parlance  known,  my  lord, 
By  cr/m....no,  stufirum,  that's  the  word. 
This  not  succeeding,  he'd  recourse, 
As  evidence  will  show,  to  force ; 
The  extent  of  which  will  soon  appear, 
By  testimony  ready  here  ; 
And/orcc,  of  any  kind  or  sort, 
If  ftro-ven,  will  the  charge  support. 
Now  if  the  facts  I've  heard  related 
Turn  out  to  be  correctly  stated, 
This  Mastiff  must,  without  a  doubt, 
Deserve  a  cudgel,  whip,  or  knout ; 
But,  sapient  Bulls,  it  is  for  you 
To  say  how  many  blows  are  due  ; 
Or  whether  crimes  like  fornication 
Ought  not  to  hurl  him  from  his  station. 
'Tis  true,  the  flock  beneath  his  care, 
Will  try  to  lighten  this  affair  ; 
For  they,  though  oft  insulted  too, 
Forgive  and  love,  as  spaniels  do. 
And  lies  are  also  set  afloat 
About  this  chaste  and  virtuous  goat ; 
The  time  elapsed,  since  first  offended, 
Before  complaint,  will  be  extended, 
And  urged  against  the  plaintiff's  plea, 
As  proof  to  set  the  prisoner  free. 


BEASTS    AT    LAW*  17 

These  circumstances  all  demand  3#3 

An  explanation  at  our  hand, 

Which  shall  be  given,  when  we'll  show 

The  Goat  did.. ..what  one  ought  to  do ; 

She'd  no  desire  to  bring  to  shame 

Her  watchful  shepherd,  though  to  blame  ;  370 

Till  his  repeated  insults  wrung 

The  story  from  her  modest  tongue. 

"  In  crimes  of  this  peculiar  nature, 
Unseen  by  every  living  creature, 
Except  the  plaintiff,  we  can  bring  £73 

No  other  witness  of  the  thing. 
But  if  a  single  brute  shall  dare 
Her  testimony  to  impair, 
We  then  shall  call  on  hundreds  by 
To  prove  she  never  told  a  lie.  380 

But  should  the  Dog  prove  innocent 
Of  actions  showing  bad  intent.... 
Though  that  event,  I  ihink>  is  hindered^ 
For  ive'-ve  some  anchors  thrown  to  ivindward.,>.as\&e. 
My  pleasure  at  his  fair  acquittal,  385 

Will,  I  assure  you,  not  be  little. 
You  all  will  hear  the  evidence 
Against  and  for  the  Dog's  defence, 
And  will,  I  hope,  a  verdict  bring 
Approved  by  justice,  beasts  and  king."  •  39Q 

The  counsel  for  the  prosecution 
Now  took  their  stands  without  confusion? 
While  DAMA,  as  they  thither  went, 
Gave  this  morceau  of  humor  vent : 
"  Thus  when  our  ancestors  of  yore  395 

Were  saved  from  death  by  captain  Noah, 
0 


18  BEASTS    AT    LAW. 

The  unclean  beasts,  without  a  whip, 

March'd  two  and  two  on  boaixl  the  ship.1* 

Some  repartee  on  this^ook  place, 

'Til  CAPRA,  witness  in  the  case,  400 

jleceived  the  oath,  with  such  a  look, 

That  hundreds  wished  themselves  the  book  ; 

\Vhile  PARDUS  quick  assumed  his  station, 

And  thus  began  examination  : 

Pard.     Of  what  offence  do  you  complain         405 
Against  defendant  ?  Please  explain. 

Cafira.     Two  years  ago,  to  have  some  chatter, 
A  parrot  met.-.. 

Dama.         That's  hear-say  matter, 
And  to  the  question  as  irrelevant 
As  Dormouse  to  a  fallen  Elephant.  410 

Eguus.     As  an  inducement^  (please  not  stop  her) 
Her  evidence  is  good  and  proper. 

Reynard.     My  lord,  I  certainly  object 
To  this  assertion.... 'ta'nt  correct  ; 
They've  only  got  to  prove  the  fact,  416 

Not  what  took  place  before  the  act. 
For  if  they  mtddle  with  the  cat, 
We're  disfid  at  ones.... (aside  to  Canis) 

Cams,     (aside  to  Reynard)    You  may  say  that. 
Equus.     I  think  that  I've  a  right,  my  lords, 
To  prove,  not  only  acts  but  words  ;  420 

For  plain  it  must  be  to  all  eyes, 
That  actions  oft  from  words  arise; 
And  so  k  was  in  this  affair, 
As  witness  wishes  to  declare. 

She  was,  my  lord,  about  to  state  425 

rumors  of  an  earlier  date  ; 


BEASTS    AT    LAW.  19 

Which  rumors  caused  the  conversation 

That  gave  defendant  the  occasion  ; 

From  which  occasion,  we'll  suppose, 

The  vile  dishonest  wish  arose  ;  430 

Which  wish,  it  cannot  be  denied, 

Begat  the  crime  for  which  he's  tried. 

So  that  if  only  traced  correct, 

Wre  find  the  cause  of  this  effect 

Was  rumor.     What  the  rumors  were  435 

I  wish  the  witness  to  declare; 

But  if  you  step  her,  I  maintain 

We  lose  a  link  from  off  the  chain. 

The  conversation  and  the  act 

Were  one  transaction,  that's  a  fact  ;  440 

And  REYNARD  knows  the  law  too  well 

To  be  in  earnest.     Let  her  tell. 

Reynard.     For  legal  forms  our  veneration 
Forbids  the  smallest  innovation. 
No  rule,  'tis  always  understood,  445 

Unless  it  work  both  ways,  is  good  j 
Yet  hear-say  stuff*,  against  their  side, 
There's  not  a  doubt  would  be  denied  ; 
And  as  it  is  for  law's  abuse  meant, 
It  can't  be  good  as  an  inducement.  450 

Vertagut.     My  lord,  the  public  prosecutor 
(Whose  speech  for  CAPRA  ought  to  suit  her) 
Express'd  a  wish  that  all  the  court 
Remain  unbiassed  by  report  ; 

And  yet,  it  seems,  they  now  commence  455 

By  calling  hear-say  evidence, 
The  jurors'  minds  to  occupy 
With  things  they  came  not  here  to  try  • 


20  BEASTS    AT    LAAt. 

Things*  too,  however  false  or  base, 

That  we  arc  not  prepared  to  trace.  460 

I  hope  no  rumor  finds  admission.... 

And  humbly  beg  the  court's  decision. 
Court.     Unless  essential  to  the  case, 

We  can't  give  hear-say  matter  place. 
Pardus.     Well,  CAPRA,  then  relate  the  fact,    465 

And  things  coevous  with  the  act. 

Cafira.     In  March)  I  think,  two  years  ago, 

Before  the  grass  began  to  grow  ; 

\Vhile  yet  the  fodder  of  the  brutes 

Was  withered  herbage,  hay,  and  roots ;  470 

1  ask'd  our  shepherd,  there,  the  Dog, 

To  come  and  taste  our  humble  prog, 
Beneath  the  shelter  of  a  rock, 

.  \nd  hold  some  chat  about  the  flock. 

He  came  as  usual,  and  admired 

My  calm  retreat  from  storms  retired  j 

And  when  refresh'd  on  chaff  reclined, 

.At  his  request  I  spoke  my  mind. 

•a  told  him  all  the  sheep  were  bleating,  490 

And  every  goat  the  tale  repeating, 

That  FELIS  there,  a  Cat  of  beauty, 

Had  drawn  and  lured  him  from  his  duty. 

That  when  her  mate  (of  mountain  race) 

Was  absent,  he  supplied  his  place.  48*5 

He  told  me,  that  with  some  surprise, 

He'd  heard  these  base  malicious  lies ; 

But  wondered  why  they  made  selection 

Of  one  for  whom  he'd  no  affection. 

4«  But  were  it  you,  he  fondly  cried,  490 

J  know  not  one  on  earth  besick\ 


BEASTS    AT    LAW. 

Of  all  the  beasts  or  birds  that  move, 

With  whom  I'm  ha?.f  so  much  in  love. 

I'd  rather  revel  on  your  charms 

Than  fill  an  ourang-outang's  arms.1;  49$ 

In  answer,  I  abruptly  told  him 

I  had  a  dozen  minds  to  scold  him; 

For  such  a  speech  would  sorely  shock, 

The  rudest  bleater  in  the  flock : 

And  as  a  guardian  of  the  sheep, 

A  chaster  tongue  he  ought  to  keep. 

He  own'd  his  fault  without  evasion, 

But  hoped  I'd  save  his  reputation ; 

And,  on  condition  of  my  silence, 

Promised  to  do  his  passion  vi'lence.  505 

A  few  weeks  after,  three  at  least, 
I  waited  on  this  trusty  beast 
Who  said  some  chat  he  wished  to  hold 
On  matters  that  concern'd  the  fold. 
So,  finding  such  was  his  desire,  51O 

I  ventured  with  him  to  retire  ; 
For  fair  CANICULA,  his  mate  * 

Must  have  no  share  in  the  debate. 
But  scarcely  had  we  gone  a  yard 
Before  he  bit  my  ear  so  hard,  5 1 5 

And  frisk'd  about,  and  lick'd  my  teats..,. 
I'd  like  to've  fallen  into  fits. 
I  told  him  if  he  wa'n't  retreating, 
His  slut  should  quickly  hear  my  bleating ; 
Then  got  away,  and  off  I  run,  500 

For  butt  me  !  if  I  like  such  fun  ! 

Pardus.     Did  he  attempt  to  stop  you  ? 
»    Capra.  N"os 


i}2  BEASTS    AT    LAW. 

He  soon  was  glad  to  let  me  go  ; 

And  when  my  tongue  renewed  its  strength, 

I  gave  the  dirty  cur  its  length  ; 

Told  him,  as  fast  as  I  could  rattle, 

He  was  the  worst  of  all  God's  cattle  ; 

And  then  with  just  indignant  rant 

Reynard.     Go  slower,  if  you  please. 

Capra.  I  can't  j 

For  just  so  fast  I  gave  it  him....  53O 

Says  I,  "you  good-for-nothing  limb, 
Such  treatment  is  too  bad  to  bear, 
And  henceforth  I  renounce  your  care  ; 
I  will  not  eat  your  dirty  grass, 

.But  leave  the  fold. ...so  let  me  pass."  535 

He  begg'd  I  would  not  be  so  bad, 
As  that  would  fairly  drive  him  mad. 
So  seeing  him  so  low  in  chop, 
I  thought  it  best  to  let  it  drop  ; 
And  hoping  he  might  yet  amend,  540 

I  parted  with  him  like  a  friend. 

'Twas  six  weeks  after  this,  or  mope. 
Just  as  I  left  the  granery  door, 
Where  he'd  been  dealing  out  our  food, ' 
CANIS  his  wicked  suit  renew'd,  545 

And  said,  as  I  received  my  due, 
"  If  you  loved  me  as  I  love  you, 
You'd  grant  the  little  thing  I  want,".... 
1  bade  him  speak  no  more  upon't  j 
Or  else,  as  sure  as  I  was  born,  530 

I'd  tell  the  whole  to  CAPRICORN. 
u  Then,  he  exclaim'd,  by  Mammoth  Springy 
I'll  swear  you  teazed  me  for  the  thing  ; 


BEASTS    AT    LAW.  23 

And  as  the  flock  respect  my  station, 

Who,  think  you,  loses  reputation  ?"  555 

He  then  his  old  caresses  tried, 

And  lick'd  me  with  his  tongue  beside. 

Here  witness,  stifled  by  her  grief, 
Paused  in  her  story  for  relief ; 

While  VERTAGUS,  despising  pelf,  56O 

Thus  thought  and  spoke  within  himself: 
"  I  fear,  by  all  our  monarch's  paws, 
I  this  time  prop  a  wicked  cause  ; 
For  that  to  me  still  right  appears, 
That's  sanctified  by  female  tears."  $$5 

Recovered  by  the  pause  she  ne  eded, 
Poor  Capra,  snuffling,  thus  proceeded. 

"  His  last  attempt  was  while  the  court 
Were  listening  to  a  Sow's  report 
For  the  same  insults  offered  her,  570 

By  this  same  wicked  treacherous  cur. 
His  mouth,  while  talking  o'er  the  matter,. 
Began  to  froth,  his  teeth  to  chatter  ; 
•  And  then  between  his  paws  he  seiz'd  me,. 
And  without  mercy  prest  and  squeez'd  me  ;        47S. 
But  I  began  so  loud  to  squall 
He  did  not  touch  my  teats  at  all." 

Pardus.     Do  you  remember  his  excuses, 

Voout  the  sin  of  such  abuses  ? 

rertagu*.     My  lord,  that  question  seems  to  me 
A  little  straggling. 

Court.  If  it  be  58 1 

To  this  transaction  any  clu-e, 

Twill  be  admissible,  and  deu 


24  BKASTS    AT    LAW. 

Cafira.     Sometime,  perhaps  four  months,  ago, 
A  case  was  pending  here,  you  know,  585 

In  which  a  certain  wanton  Deer, 
For  such  a  crime  was  summon'd  here  ; 
And,  if  my  memory's  not  in  fault, 
Twas  just  before  the  last  assault. 
Defendant's  words  were  then,  'tis  clear,  590 

In  favor  of  the  "  stricken  deer  ;" 
And  intimated,  in  discourse, 
That  she  was  not  a  whit  the  worse  ; 
Which  was,  I  thought,  a  hint  too  pat, 
To  misconceive  what  he'd  be  at.  595 

He  then  proceeded,  and  repeated 
A  list  of  tricks  himself  committed  ; 
Of, 'tricks,  that  would,  I  think,  or  ought  to 
Cause  all  the  jury's.. ..eyes  to  water  ; 
And  by  his  tell.. ..bad  luck  resist  him  !  (aside)       600 
A  half  a  hundred  sluts  had  kiss'd  him ; 
And,  after  all  the  catalogue, 
He  thought  himself  a  clever  dog. 

Equus.     His  language  seem'd  then  to  import 
That  he  was  ne'er  the  worser  for't  ?  605 

Cafira.     He  said,  though  he'd  been  rather  rude, 
He  knew  our  sovereign  was  too  good, 
TO  punish  such  a  small  offence, 
As  just  to  gratify  the  sense. 

And  then  the  antient  fable  quoted,  610 

How  once  a  mouse,  for  thieving  noted, 
Was  caught  by  LION  in  the  fact, 
Who  graciously  forgave  the  act. 

Cross-examined,  by  Reynard. 

Reyn,    You  threatened,  prior  to  this  confession, 


BEASTS    AT    LAW.  Zn 

To  expose,  it  seems,  the  Dog's  transgression?  615 
This  was  posterior,  was  it  ? 

Cafira.  Yes, 

'Twas  since  my  threat  he  toid  me  this, 
And  made  me  promise  not  to  tell  it. 

Reynard.     When  he  was  rude,  did  you  repel  it  ? 
Or  did  you  make  advances  ? 

Cafira.  Never  j  620 

But  as  I  thought  him  kind  and  clever, 
I  told  him  all  my  little  ailings, 
?»Iy  feelings,  twishes,  thoughts,  and  failings  ; 
Though  had  I  sooner  found  his  lies  out, 
I  would  have  claw'cl  his  beastly  eyes  out.  6~~ 

Reynard.     Did  you  not,  CAriiA....come  reflect.... 
Did  you  not  kiss  him  ?  recollect. 

Cafira.     Now  Mr.  Fox  1    upon  my  word, 
I  never  such  a  question  heard: 

Such  impudence  was  never  seen....  630 

I  really  do'n't  know  what  you  mean , 
Unless  permitting  him  to  kiss, 
Is  what  you're  after.., .is  it  ? 

Reynard.  Yes. 

You  did  allow  a  kiss,  then,  ha  ?  634 

Cafi.   Why,  dogs,  you  know,  will  have  their  way, 

Reynard.     Did  you  attempt  to  coax  him,  ever  ? 

Cafira.     No  1  by  my  whiskers,  never,  never  I 

JKyuus.     Be  patient,  CAPRA.... these  sly  oxes, 
Are  fond  of  touching  up  the  doxies  j 
Though  rude  the  questions  which  he  pushes,      640 
Go  on,  and  never  mind  your  blushes. 

Reynard.     Nor  say.. ..(I  ask  it  not  to  tease  you) 
That  Capricorn  could  never  please  you; 


£6  BEASTS    AT    LAW, 

And  that  you  thought  himself  more  clever, 
More  fit  for  certain  matters 

Cafira.  Never !  645 

Reynard.     You  never  told  defendant  so, 
Or  any  other  person  ? 

Cafira.  No. 

Reyn.     Did  you  not  say,  the  males,  you  fcar'd, 
Would  see  how  amorously  you  leer'd, 
And  read  your  wishes  in  your  eyes?  650 

Cafira.     Never  !   they're  all  malicious  lies ! 

Reynard.     Nor  say  you  dared  not  be  alone 
With  them,  for  fear 

Cafira.  Why  this  I  own, 

I  said  if  I  were  seen  to  walk 
With  roguish  brutes,  'twould  make  a  talk.  655 

Reynard.     You  never  mentioned  a  weak  sfict 
Somewhere  about  you  ? 

Cafira.  Certainly  not. 

Reynard.     Nor  show'd  your  dugs  to  any  one 
Except  your  partner  ?  This  you've  done  ? 

Cafira.     Except  to  him,  I  never  did,  660 

Unless  when  suckling  little  kid. 

Reyn.  And  did  you  not.. ..the  question  plain  is.... 
Offer  to  go  to  bed  to  CAXIS, 
Or  any  one  but  Capricorn  ? 

Cafira.     I  never  did  since  I  was  born.  665 

Reynard.     You  ask'cl  the  Dog  if  he  believed, 
That  Canaan's  antient  flocks  conceived. 
And  mark'd  their  young  by  speckled  rods  ? 

Cafira.     Never!  by  all  the  river  gods  !  669 

Reynard.     You  know  your  leader  there,  the  Ass, 
I  mean  who  leads  the  female  class  5 


BEASTS    AT    LAW.  2/ 

Did  not  you  say,  whene'er  you  chose 
That  you  could  lead  him  by  the  nose  ; 
And  call  him  Sister  jVanny  too  ? 

Cafira.     Why,  all  the  females  call  him  so  ;      675 
Because  he  is  the  only  male 
We  dare  admit  within  the  pale. 

Peijnard.     With  him  why  is  your  danger  less  ? 

Cafira.     Because  he  is....humph  !  you  may  guess. 
We  used  to  meet  within  the  fold,  £80 

A  kind  of  singing  club  to  hold  ; 
But  though  no  instrument  he  play'd, 
Yet  when  we  bleated,  then  he  bray'd. 

Reynard.     How  many  she's  with  sitter  Nan, 
United  in  this  tuneful  plan  ?  685 

Cafira.     Not  more  than  eigjit  or  nine,  or  ten. 

Court.     What  was  this  brayer's  conduct  then  ? 
Was't  modest,  chaste,  correct,  no  word 

Or  act  indecent  ? 

Cafira.  No,  my  lord.  689 

Rcyn.     You're  sure  you  could  have  told  to  none  • 
You  fear'd  with  males  to  be  alone, 
Lest  you  should  rude  advances  make  ? 

Cafira.     O !  name  it  not  for  goodness1  sake  1 
For  if  my  weakness  were  so  great, 
Yet  pride  would  never  let  me  say't,  695 

Here  prosecutor's  counsel  chose 
To  rest  their  cuuse,  when  DAMA  rose  ; 
And  with  a  most  engaging  port, 
In  terms  like  these  address'd  the  court  : 

"  My  lord,  'tis  easy  to  conceive  709 

That  we  may  piously  believe 
Our  client  guiltless  of  transgression, 


28  BEASTS    AT    LAW. 

Yet  not  be  free  from  apprehension. 

Our  greatest  danger  lies  with  those 

Whose  sex  forbids  to  call  them  foes,'  70s 

But  whose  attractions  charm  the  soul 

And  all  our  reasoning  powers  control. 

'Tis  known  that  their  inventive  powers 

Surpass,  in  every  instance,  ours; 

And  here,  necessity  will  drive  710 

To  keep  finesse  and  art  alive. 

Ardent  in  every  passion  still, 

They  know  no  arbiter  but  WILL  ; 

And  are  the  same,  in  love  or  hate, 

The  pivots  of  revolving  fate.  715 

We've  also  much  to  fear,  from  those 

Ingenious  counsel  who're  to  close ; 

Who've  the  advantage  over  ours 

In  numbers,  eloquence,  and  powers. 

Indeed,  my  lord,  it  seems  to  me,  720 

A  kind  of  novelty,  to  see 

So  many  champions  of  the  laws 

Enlisted  in  a  plaintiff's  cause. 

In  every  criminal  debate 

There's  counsel  furnish 'd  by  the  state,  725 

Whose  duty,  to  convict  defendant, 

Is  not  relax* d,  you  may  depend  on't. 

Then  why  this  ardor,  to  enlist 

A  host  of  veterans  to  assist  ? 

What,  but  a  thirst  of  vengeance,  could  730 

Induce  a  search  through  all  the  wood, 

For  beasts  of  talents,  cull'd  and  picktf 

An  honest  mastiff  to  convict? 


BEASTS    AT    LAW.  29 

The  jury  should  consider  this, 

In  order  not  to  act  amiss ;  .«  735 

For  if  their  testimony  fails, 

Without  such  props,  when  truth  assails, 

It  will.. ..it  must  be  understood 

Their  testimony  can't  be  good. 

It  will,  your  honors,  be  our  duty  740 

To  impeach  the  credit  of  this  beauty; 
To  open  to  your  comprehension, 
The  nature  of  the  fears  I  mention. 
It  is,  your  honors  of  the  jury, 

The  merciless,  unrelenting  fury,  ^4.5 

Which  does  and  always  will  arise, 
When  we  a  female's  love  despise. 
Of  all  the  furies  we  could  mention, 
Of  earth,  or  hell,  or  fiend's  invention  ; 
Dragons,  vipers,  scorpions,  adders, 
Rattle-snakes  with  poison  bladders ; 
Crocodiles  and  alligators, 
With  the  worst  of  fiend-like  natures  ; 
Can  never  be  compared,  for  harms, 
To  females  with  neglected  charms.  f  j'S 

It  will,  of  course,  become  your  duty, 
With  this  exasperated  beauty, 
To  watch,  with  scrutinizing  eye, 
Her  arts  and  machinations  sly. 

Vengeance  is  rankling  in  her  heart,  76V 

And  summons  ail  her  matchless  art ; 
Her  poison'd  tongue  can  sting  the  soul,' 
And  nothing  can  its  power  controul ; 
Deep  is  perdition's  baseless  pit, 
But  her  revenge  is  deeper  yet.  „  F6J' 

D 


30  BEASTS   AT    LAW. 

«  We  shall  be  able,  sirs,  I  trust, 

To  prove  this  Goat's  lascivious  lust ; 

Her  open  and  obscene  advances, 

Improving  all  her  secret  chances 

To  inflame  the  mastiff  with  desire,  370 

And  set  his  wishes  all  on  fire. 

It  ought  to  claim  our  admiration 

That  he  resisted  such  temptation, 

Where  acts  obscene  were  join'd  with  beauty, 

To  draw  defendant  from  his  duty.  775 

The  rude  idea  must  surely  shock 

Each  modest  member  of  the  flock  ; 

The  thoughts  of  actions  so  obscene, 

Moistens  my  eyes... .my  mouth  I  mean.  [aside 

I  say,  my  lord,  the  bare  reflection  780 

liaises  a  blush  in  my  complexion ; 

Though,  by-thc-ky^  were  I  my  client, 

She'd  not  have  vuish'd  in  "bain,  rely  on*/.  f aside 

Acts  more  lascivious  too,  it  plain  is, 

Than  those  which  she  imputes  to  CANIS,  785 

«  Tis  not,  my  lord,  in  such  a  case, 

IVIy  learned  adversary's  place 
!JTo  say  if  CANIS,  thus  assail'd 

By  artful  lust,  in  duty  fail'd ; 

Or  if  he  fell,  to  what  extent,  790 

Through  error's  giddy  maze  he  went: 

The  case  was  to  his  flock  submitted, 

By  whom  he  fairly  was  acquitted. 

'Tis  for  the  jury  to  enquire, 

(Not  his  intention  or  desire,  795 

But,  leaving  every  other  fault) 

Whether   he's  guilty  of  assault 


BEASTS    AT    LAW.  1 

And  battery  upon  the  goat; 

And  if  so,  whether  she,  or  not, 

Consented  to't....if  that's  the  case,  800 

The  Dog's  acquittal  must  take  place. 

Tfce  point  for  your  investigation 

Is,  whether  CAPRA  gave  occasion, 

Or  to  defendant  made  advances. 

But  still  my  noble  lord,  the  chance  is,  605 

That  our  opponent's  learned  chatter 

May  load  the  case  with  foreign  matter, 

And  other  things  connect  and  join, 

Entangled  like  a  twisted  vine. 

But,  honored  jurors,  I've  no  doubt  you  810 

All  will  have  your  wits  about  you. 

And  hold  the  power  within  your  brain, 

To  ravel  out  the  knotty  skein. 

You've  but  to  stick  to  these  two  things 

From  which  the  whole  contention  springs  j         815 

Two  points  for  your  enquiry  fitted.... 

Firstly,  was  the  fact  committed? 

Secondly,  this  being  so, 

Was  it  against  her  will,  or  no  ? 

But  we  are  ready  to  support,  S20 

Such  stubborn  facts  before  the  court> 

As  will  convince  a  beast  of  feeling, 

The  plaintiff  never  was  unwilling. 

We'll  prove  that,  by  her  own  confession, 

She  always  itch'd  for  such  transgression ;  825 

And  that,  if  prest  by  any  beast, 

The  goat  was  passive,  say  the  least. 

And  if  your  honors  we  acquaint, 

That  since  the  date  of  her 


3£  BEASTS    AT    LAW. 

As  well  as  months  and  years  before,  830 

She  prais'd  defendant  more  and  more  ; 

Has  wheedled,  coax'd,  and  sought  to  hold  him, 

Has  followed,  flattered,  and  cajoled  him  ; 

Trying  to  draw  the  one  from  goodness 

Whom  she  accuses  now  with  rudeness ;  835 

Jn  vain  will  she  pretend  to  claim 

A  matron's  chaste  and  honest  name, 

"  I'll  not  detain  your  honors  longer, 
Than  just  to  state  the  question  stronger  : 
Whether  the  Dog  committed  ill,  840 

And  whether  'twas  against  her  will." 
CANIS  whispers  DAMA. 

CANIS.      Well  done>  my  Buck>  we'll  catch  the  gulls) 
The  gloss  you  gave  will  quiz  the  Lulls. 
JWio's  our  first  witness  ? 

DAMA.     (whispering)  modest  Ovis. 

CANIS.     A  buxom  ewe. 

f    DAMA.  <Ahl  she' a  no  no-vice  ;         845 

Sfie  knows  her  cue,., .besides,  'tis  thought 
She's  little  jealous  of  the  goat ; 
dnd  we  have  many  hojiesfrom  thence. 
Call  up  and  swear  our  evidence..,.,        [aloud. 

Cnjer.     First — Ovis  ! 

Ovis.  Here! 

Gryer.  My  gentle  ewe,        85C- 

We'll  have  a  chat  along  with  you ; 
Hold  up  your  paw. 

Dama.  No  !  call  the  rest. 

And  swear  them  aJl  at  once  ;  that's  best.  . 

Cryer.     Parrot,  Magpie,  Woodcock,  Widgeon., 
Jackdaw,  Redbreast;  Turkey,  Pigeon-,  8'55 


BEASTS   AT   LAW- 

Ringdove,  Blackbird,  Goldfinch,  Grouse, 
Rabbit,  Hedgehog,  Weasel,  Mouse, 
Ferrit,  Rat,  Opposum,  Moose, 
Mockbird,  Partridge,  Snipe  and  Goose* 

THE   OATH. 

"  You  all  and  severally  declare, 
Affirm,  insist,  aver,  and  swear, 
That  all  the  stories  you  report, 
As  evidence  before  the  court, 
Shall  be  the  truth,  and  nothing  more, 
A  thing  they  never  sfioke  before....  [aside    865 

So  may  the  monarch  of  the  wood, 
Supply  you  all  with  drink  and  food.'* 

Dama.     Come,  now,  my  lively,  bounding  ewe, 
Ovis,  we'll  first  examine  you. 

You're  a  member  of  the  bleating  canton.  ?  870 

You  know  the  plaintiff,  ha  ? 

Ovis.  Balantum  I 

I  mess'd  with  her,  sometime  ago, 
And  consequently  I  must  know.  873 

Dama.     You've  seen  her  often  with  defendant  ? 

Ovis.     Aye  !  that  I  have,  you  may  depend  on't. 

Dama.     Have  you  not  seen  her  call  him  to  her  ? 

Ovis.     1  have. 

Dama.  What  time  ? 

Ovis.  I  am  not  sure  ; 

But  think  'twas  near  two  years  ago, 
'Twas  pleasant  weather,  that  I  know. 

Dama.     At  her  request,  did  he  not  call,  880 

Repeatedly,  at  CAPRA'S  stall  ? 

Ovis.     She  often  ask'd  him  when  he  couldn't ; 
Sometimes  he  came. ...sometimes  he  wouldn't, 


34  BEASTS    AT 

Dama.     Would  she  her  choicest  food  prepare, 
And  treat  the  Dog,  to  coax  him  there  ?  685 

Ovis.     O  yes. ...so  well  she  fed  the  cur-j 
She  almost  starved  myself  and  her. 

Dama.     This  intimacy  was,  you  say, 
Sometime  in  summer  ? 

Ovis.  After  May,  889 

Dama.     And  yet,  my  lord,  two  months  before 
She'd  been  insulted  o'er  and  o'er ! 

Ovis.     One  evening,  he  was  with  us  there, 
When,  on  nay  honor,  I  declare, 
She  kiss'd  him. ...for  the  smack  I  heard, 
And  saw  his  tongue  about  her  beard.  895 

Dama.     Where  was  her  mate,  then,  CAPRICORN 

Ovis.     Why,  on  that  evening  he  was  gone, 
To  see  a  public  show,  I  think, 
Some  capers  of  a  northern  Mink. 

Dama.     Did  Capra  e'er  the  Dog  invite,  900 

To  tarry  with  her  all  the  night  ? 
Come,  recollect  yourself. 

Ovis.  I  will...; 

lie  slept  there  once,  when  he  wa%ill. 

Dama.     A  hydrophobia,  I, suppose. 

Ovis.     And  the  next  morning,  when  1  rose,    905 
\  met  her  coming  from  his  straw, 
And  this  my  lord,  I  swear  I  saw. 

Dam.  [to  CANIS]]  Poor  Ovis  then  was  disafif tainted  ? 

Cams,  [to  D.]  Y>*,  all  our  plans  were  quite  disjointed. 

Dama.     Was  CAPRICORN  then  present? 

Ovis.  No,     9!Q 

But  where  he  was,  I  do  not  know ; 


BEASTS   AT   LAW,  35 

It  always  seem*d  to  be  her  care, 
To  send  and  get  defendant  there, 
During  the  absence  of  her  mate. 

Dama.     Can  you  now  recollect  the  date,  915 

When  last  she  yean'd,  and  whom  you  saw 
That  came  to  see  her  in  the  straw  ? 

O-vis.     Yes,  that  event  took  place,  I  know, 
Last  April,  sir,  a  year  ago ; 

And  then  she  sent  for  CANIS  thither,  920 

XVho  had  a  secret  confab  with  her. 

Reynard.     O  1  she  intended  nothing  worse 
Than  just  to  learn  the  Dog  to.  nurse. 

Dama.     Did  Capra  ever  make  remarks, 
About  her  eyes'  alluring  sparks  ?  925 

O~vis.     She  said  she  fear'd  to  have  them  shown, 
Lest  all  her  wishes  should  be  known. 
With  males  herself  she  dared  not  trust, 
She  was  so  great  a  slave  to  lust  ; 
And  had  too  weak  a  spot  about  her.  930 

Dama.  She  wish'd  her  mate  was  warmer,  stouter  ? 
Ha  ?  Did  she  not  ?  How  was  it,  Ovis  ? 

Ovts.     She  call'd»her  CAPRICORN  a  novice  : 
He  did  the  best  he  could  to  please  her, 
But  still,  fioor  thing,  he  did  but  teaze  her  ;  935 

She  wish'd  a  mate,  whose  amorous  fires, 
Were  equal  to  her  own  desires; 
Some  love-physician  who  could  cure  her 
Of  what  they  call  Uterus  furor.  939 

Reyn.  For  that  the  best  would  have  to  strain  hard 

Martin.     Why  not  apply  to  Dr.  Reynard  ? 

Dama.     Did  any  conversation  pass, 
With  you  and  Capra^  'bout  the  Ass  ? 


36  BEASTS   AT   LAW. 


She  said  she  could,  whene'er  she  chose, 
Lead  sister  Nanny  by  the  nose.  945 

Cross-examined)  by  Pardus. 

Pardus.    From  CAPRA'S  conduct,  you  conceived, 
She  had  no  virtue  ? 

Ovis.  I  believed 

That  she  was  light  and  vain  ;  but  had 
No  proof  of  acts  extremely  bad. 

Pardus.     Her  conversation  you  conceived 
Libidinous  ? 

Ovis.         So  I  believed,  95$ 

For  if  it  turns  out  otherwise, 
I  can't  believe  my  cars  and  eyes. 

Pardus.     Did  CAPRICORN  the  Dog  invite* 
The  time  he  came  and  staid  all  night  ? 

Ovis.     He  did. 

Pardus.  The  time  you  heard  the  kiss,     955 

CANIS  complained  of  illness  ? 

Ovis.  Yes. 

But  as  for  that,  she's  not  to  blame, 
I  would  myself  have  done  the  same. 

JJama.     I  dare  be  sworn  you  would  my  ewe.,,,aside; 

Pardus.     He  never  gave  a  kiss  to  you  ?  960 

Ovis.     O  yes.  ...before  he  quitted  us, 
He  offered  me  a  kind  of  buss. 
Pardus.     Her  mate  was  present,  was  he  not, 
When  CAPRA  mentioned  her  weak  spot  ? 

Gvis.     He  was. 

Pardus.  And  when  she  mentioned  too,    965 

That  all  she  wish'd  he  could  not  do  ? 

Ovis.     He  might  have  heard  it  ;  but  if  not, 
Fin  sure  she  spoke  the  thing  she  thought. 


BEASTS   AT    LAW.  37 

Pardus.     The  Dog  kiss'd  you  as  well  as  her  ? 

Ovift.     Twice  only. ...hang  the  stupid  cur  .'...  [aside 

Pardus.     Both  friendly  kisses,  I  suppose  ?         971 
Yes.. ..more  than  friendly  Jiad  he  chose....  [aside. 

Pardus.  From  CAPRA'S  treatment  of  the  cur, 
You  thought  not  he'd  insulted  her  ? 

O-vis.     O  no.. ..I  thought,  and  justly  too,  9T5- 

That  her  attachment  stronger  grew. 

Phoebus  the  azure  vault  had  clomb, 
And  now  was  gliding  down  the  dome  ; 
Great  Appalachian's  awful  brow, 
Had  cast  a  lengthened  shade  below  j  980 

And,  to  descend  to  meaner  things, 
The  sunflower  faced  the  western  springs  ; 
When  LEO,  by  his  appetite, 
Thought  all  the  beasts  might  want  a  bite, 
And  so,  that  he  might  grow  no  thinner,  085 

Adjourned  the  court,  and  went  to  dinner* 


END  OF  THE  FIRST  CANTO, 


BEASTS  AT  LAW : 


OR, 


Zoologian  Jurisprudence, 

CANTO  II. 


THE  ARGUMENT. 


. 


SPIRITUAL,  warfare—A  human  portrait,  drawn  from  life— 
CLARINDA  blown  up — The  story  resumed — The  court 
meets — The  Magpie  examined  by  DAM  A — Something 
about  exposing  something,  which  somebody  ought  not 
somehow  to  have  seen — Cross-examined  by  PARDUS--A  liti 
gant  retort — TheParrot  examined  by  DAM  A — Something 
relating  to  insufficiency — Cross-examined  by  URSUS — The 
Pigeon  examined  by  DAM  A--The  kicking  and  spurring  busi 
ness — Cross-examined  by  PARDUS — A  play -house  whisper 
—The  Ring-dove  examined— The  river  scene — The  Gold 
finch  examined — A  kiss  after  shaving — The  Blackbird  cx- 
amined-lnvitation  upon  invitation«The  Widgeon  examin 
ed — How  to  look  respectable  in  shape  and  size — The  Daw 
examined  by  REYNARD — Cross-examined  by  PARDUS — 
The  Turkey  examined — Strictures  on  being'  satisfied— 
Cross-examined  by  URSUS — Defendants  rest  their  case — 
The  Ass  described — Examined  for  the  prosecutors,  by 
URSUS— A  controversy  on  confessions— How  to  lead  an  Ass 
by  the  nose— Description  of  a  Mule,  a  Philosopher,  and  a 
quack  Doctor — Br.rMuLus  examined  by  CERVUS — Cnss- 
examined  by  LEOPARDUS— MULA,  the  doctor's  mate,  ex 
amined — The  cou.t  adjourn. 

SCENE— as  in  the  first  canto,  Time — about  six  hours. 


BEASTS  AT  LAW. 

A  POEM, 

IN  THREE   CANTOS. 

CANTO  II. 


That  minstrel  wakes  the  song  in  vain, 
Who  weaves  no  moral  with  his  strain  j 
And  he  who  flatters  vice  for  pelf, 
Deserves  its  penalty  himself; 
But  he  who  sanctions  FOLLY'S  tools, 
Should  wear  her  cap,  and  head  the  fools. 

Author's  MS. 

The  human  mind's  a  tilting  field, 
Where  two  strong  active  spirits  wield 
The  missive  dart  or  pointed  lance, 
And  parry,  thrust,  retreat,  advance, 
Or  close,  in  obstinate  affray, 
Till  one  or  t'other  gains  the  day. 
But  still  the  fight  is  not  decided, 
Their  powers  and  rights  are  so  divided, 
Tiie  desperate  war  is  still  rencw'd, 
For  neither  can  be  quite  subdued;  it; 

But  each  is,  in- his  turn,  the  master, 
Like  Pollux  and  his  brother  Castor. 
These  spirits,  (as  we  might  suppose;, 
They  being  such  eternal  foes) 

Are  as  unlike  in  form  and  feature,  1  j 

As  much  opposed  in  locks  and  nature, 


42  BEASTS   AT   LAW. 

And  as  dissimilar  in  all, 

As  GOD  and  Satan,  since  the  fall. 

When  charity  expands  the  breast, 
The  first  of  virtues  and  the  best;  20 

When  LOVE  within  the  soul  arises, 
Which  all  the  law  of  GOD  comprises ; 
In  short,  when  we're  inclined  to  good, 
And  have  some  selfish  wish  subdued ; 
WTe  may  be  sure  the  fiend  has  reel'd,  2£ 

And  that  the  angel  holds  the  field. 
But  when  vfe  yield  to  passion's  sway. 
And  hate  or  envy's  rule  obey  ; 
It  will  as  certainly  be  found, 

The  angel  welters  on  the  ground  ;  3O 

That  we  have  turn'd  the  fate  of  war, 
And  placed  Apollyon  on  the  car. 
For  though  wejfight  on  neither  side, 
.'Tis  ours  the  victory  to  guide, 
And  by  a  vote  we  turn  the  scale,  35 

For  vice  or  virtue  to  prevail. 
Too  indolent,  unless  befriended, 
To  keep  our  heavy  arm  extended, 
In  careless  ease  we  let  it  drop, 
And  virtue  falls  with  vice  atop. 
In  such  a  case,  'tis  my  opinion, 
Bather  than  vice  should  hold  dominion, 
We'd  best  confess  our  arm  is  weak, 
And  succour  in  RELIGION  seek ; 
There  we  can  find  a  potent  charm,  45 

Sufficient  lo  support  an  arm 
Of  nature's  stiuiVbt,  weakest  son, 
Although  that  dim  should  weigh  a  ton. 


BEASTS   AT    LAW.  43 

But  stay,  I'll  demonstrate  my  meaning  : 

When  Victory  once  by  turns  was  leaning 

On  different  sides  of  hostile  foes, 

Now  aiding  these,  now  helping  those  ; 

Doubtful  which  way  to  turn  the  scale, 

That  this  or  that  should  most  prevail, 

The  leader  of  the  chosen  band,  55 

In  Israel's  favor  rais'd  his  hand, 

And  quick  as  thought  their  foes  retreat, 

Nor  dared  the  tide  of  fate  to  meet ; 

His  hand  withdrawn,  the  vanquished  turn, 

And  with  rekindled  ardor  burn,  60 

While  Israel's  ranks  dismay'd  and  broke, 

By  thousands  fell  beneath  the  stroke. 

In  this  dilemma,  undismay'd, 

He  calls  for  holy  Aaron's  aid, 

(A  beauteous  figure  of  that  power,  63 

Who  still  supports  us  every  hour) 

The  wearied  arm  the  Priest  sustain'd, 

And  Israel  soon  the  field  regain'd, 

On  their  pursuers  turn'd  the  flood, 

And  dyed  the  plain  with  heathen  blood  ;  70 

Thus  gain'd  the  day  and  battle  too, 

And  pay'd  their  vows  wherever  due. 

A  female,  not  to  vice  inclined, 
Whose  taste  and  manners  are  refined  ; 
With  sensibility  enough  75 

To  feel,  and  weep,  and  such  like  stuff; 
Who  would  not,  for  her  credit's  sake, 
In  public  countenance  a  rake  ; 
Who  goes  to  church,  like  me  and  you. 
Because  mankind  in  general  do  j  $0 


44  BEASTS    AT    LAW. 

I  say,  a  female,  of  this  sort, 

(And  half  the  sex  are  such,  I'm  taught) 

Alive  to  elocution's  charms, 

And  all  the  delicate  alarms, 

Which  the  sweet  honey  of  persuasion,  85 

Might  in  her  fluttering  breast  occasion  ; 

May,  in  the  course  of  life's  affairs, 

While  at  the  church  repeating  prayers, 

Prefer  (for  all  possess  a  taste) 

Some  clergyman  to  all  the  rest.  90 

So  great  his  powers  in  declamation, 

Jt  wraps  her  soul  in  admiration ; 

So  warm  his  fervor  and  his  zeal, 

She  must  unknown  devotion  feel  ; 

She  seems  in  some  celestial  region....  95 

She  thinks,  in  short,  she  loves  religion. 

How  dull  appears  the  lingering  week, 

She  longs  so  much  to  hear  him  speak  ; 

To  view  those  eyes  of  meek  devotion, 

And  feel  again  that  sweet  emotion.  Ida 

The  Sabbath  comes. ...to  church  she  goes, 

Again  the  stream  of  rapture  flows  ; 

And,  as  he  meets  his  various  duties, 

She  sees  new,  undiscovered  beauties. 

She  feels  that  life's  insipid  round  105 

Affords  no  sweets  like  those  she's  found, 

And  wonders  why  she  wandered  wrong, 

In  search  of  happiness  so  long. 

Fll  not  assume  the  high  commission 
To  judge  of  such  a  soul's  condition.  IK) 

But  would,  with  modesty,  enquire, 
Is  it  religion,  or  ds&ire  ? 


BEASTS   AT    LAW".  45 

Which  champion,  in  the  mental  field. 

Has  made  his  adversary  yield  ? 

Which  beats  ?  (I  ask  with  motive  civil)  1 1 5 

Which  beats,  the  arigel  or  the  devil  ? 

Is  our  digression  long  enough.... 
Or  are  you  fond  of  moral  stuff  ? 
If  so,  I  will  relate  a  tale, 

Which  shows  how  oft  our  efforts  fail  130 

To  hide  our  shame  ;  because  the  means 
Which  we  would  hide  behind,  as  screens, 
Will  often  play  a  trick  so  scurvy, 
That  we  are  blown  u/i  topsy-turvy. 
Have  patience,  friend,  we'll  be  in  court  125 

Full  time  enough  to  see  the  sport ; 
Then  give  the  beasts  a  chance  to  dine, 
Who've  appetites  like  yours  and  mine. 

CLARIXDA  was  a  country  lass, 

Possessing  charms  enough  to  pass  ;  130 

With  rosy  cheeks  and  buxom  mein— • 
The  greatest  romp  upon  the  green, 
Her  father,  justice  in  the  place, 
Was  a  great  lover  of  the  chase, 
And  in  pursuit  of  fowl  and  deer,  13$ 

He  spent  the  third  of  every  year. 
Yet  to  official  duty's  claim 
He'd  yield  the  swift  pursuit  of  game  ; 
And  take  his  fee  with  such  a  grace, 
As  show'd  he  knew  his  proper  place.  140 

CLARINDA  had  imbibed  a  passion.... 
Not  for  a  clown,  or  man  of  fashion, 
But...  (laugh  ye  belles,  of  dressing  prouder) 
A  passion  for  the,..,smell  of  powder. 


46  BEASTS    AT    LAW. 

Never  experienced  she  such  pleasure  145 

As,  when  alone  and  quite  at  leisure, 

To  steal  her  father's  hunting  flask, 

And  then  commence  her  martial  task  ; 

Lay  a  long  train  upon  the  floor, 

Then  touch  it  off...  and  then  lay  more  ;  150 

And  this  was  still  her  occupation, 

Jn  spite  of  dad's  expostulation ; 

Till  finding  nothing  could  reclaim  her, 

He  swore  coercive  means  should  tame  her. 

One  day,  CLARIVDA,  left  at  home,  155 

Had  nought  to  do  but  romp  and  roam, 
When,  with  a  resolution  rash, 
She  vow'd  she'd  have  one  little  flush  ; 
So,  after  closing  every  door, 

Upon  the  middle  of  the  floor,  1 60 

She  built  a  pyramid  of  powder, 
Moistened  and  prest,  to  speak  the  louder. 
From  this  she  led  a  circling  train, 
All  round  the  room,  and  round  again  ; 
.And  then  a  piece  of  twisted  paper,  165 

To  serve  as  slow-match,  crown'd  her  caper. 
From  farthest  corner  of  the  room, 
CLARINDA  view'd  her  match  consume. 
Waiting  to  see  the  flame  attain 
The  other  end,  and  light  the  train  ;  1 70 

But,  ere  htr  hopes  were  realized, 
Approaching  steps  the  maid  surprised  ; 
Who,  thinking  that  her  dad  was  near, 
And  quite  beside  herself  with  fear, 
Thought  nothing  of  the  train  or  match,  ,  175 

But,  like  a  fowl  that  sits  to  hatch. 


BEASTS   AT    LAW.  47 

To  put  suspicion  fast  asleep, 

She,  squatting  down,  conceal'd  the  heap  ; 

Her  father  enters.. ..she  turns  pale.... 

The  train  is  caught,  and there's  my  tale,         1 60 

A  short  repast  the  beasts  partook, 
And  quaff 'd  the  cool  refreshing  brook  j 
Then  sported  round  the  flowery  plain. 
Till  LEO  took  his  seat  again. 

The  Bulls,  apart  from  all  the  rest,  185 

Reposed  on  nature's  velvet  vest, 
And  ruminating  there  at  ease, 
On  both  the  learned  counsel's  pleas, 
The  fragrant  cud  at  leisure  chew'd, 
At  once  digesting  law  and  food.  190 

But  soon  aroused  by  JACKALL'S  roar, 
They  all  assembled  as  before  ; 
When  DAMA  took  his  former  station, 
And  thus  pursued  examination  ; 
A  Magpie,  on  defendant's  side, 
To  his  enquiries  thus  replied  : 

Dama.     Come,  little  MAG,  we  wish  to  know 
What  you  can  tell. 

Mag.  Two  years  ago, 

With  CAPKA  I  commenced  rny  stay, 
Nor  left  her  till  this  year,  in  May.  >    200 

I  built  my  nest  within  her  stall, 
She  gave  me  seed,  and  drink,  and  all ; 
And,  in  return.  I  had  to  fly 
On  all  her  errands,  low  and  high  ; 
And,  when  her  little  kids  would  weep,  205 

To  sing  the  noisy  rogues  to  sleep. 


4S  BEASTS    AT    LAW. 

Dama.     And  were  you  sent,  among  the  rest) 
To  invite  the  Mastiff  as  a  guest  ? 

Mag.     O !  frequently.     Whene'er  her  mate 
Was  going  out  to  tarry  late,  216 

She  bade  me  urge  the  dog  to  come, 
As  CAPRICORN  was  not  at  home  ; 
And,  if  he  spoke  with  hesitation, 
Repeat  and  press  the  invitation.  [them  ? 

Dama.     And  when  he  came,  what  pass'd  between 

Mag.     Her  care  was  such  I've  never  seen  them  ; 
For  all  the  birds  were  sent  array, 
As  long  as  CAXIS  pleased  to  stay. 
One  evening,  after  sending  thrice, 
(Her  kid  went  once,  and  I'd  been  twice)  220 

She  bade  me  tell  him  to  be  quick, 
And  come,  or  CAPRA  would  be  sick  ! 

Dama.     Alas  !  poor  Goat  ! 

Mag.  I've  seen  her,  too, 

Expose  her  dugs  to  public  view ; 
And  ask  a  Stag,  with  wanton  air,  226 

If  e'er  he  saw  so  fine  a  pair. 

Cross-examined,  by  Pardus. 

Pardus.     Did  she  then  know  that  you  were  by  ? 

Mag.     I  cannot  tell. 

Pardus.  Inform  us  why 

You  left  her  service,  little  bird  ? 

Mag.     Because  she  did  not  keep  her  word.     230 

Parduz.     Was  CAPRA  suckling,  when  she  show'd 
The  Stag  her  dugs  ?....explain  the  mode. 

A  fag.     Yes,  I  believe  that  was  the  case. 

Pardus.     How  look'd  the  beast  ? 

Mug.  He  hid  his  face, 


BEASTS    AT    LAW.  49 

Reynard.     A  thing  not  common  to  the  breed.  235 

Cervus.     A  modest  fox  were  rare  indeed. 

JDama.     Who's  next  ? 

Leof.ardus.  The  Parrot. 

Dama.  Pretty  Poll, 

Let's  hear  your  story.. ..tell  it  all. 

Poll.     An  Antelope  accused  the   cur 
Of  some  attempts  to  ravish  her;  246 

And  made  complaints  to  all  the  fold, 
Of  acts  which  ought  to  be  controll'd. 
They  met  to  hear  her  accusation, 
But  found,  on  her  examination, 
That  he  had  nothing  rude  committed,  245 

So  proved  she  lied,  and  him  acquitted. 
A  short  time  after,  (this  I  know 
Was  just  about  two  years  ago) 
I  ask'd  the  Goat,  in  friendly  chat.... 
"  Would  CANIS  do  a  thing  like  that  ?"  250 

c;  No,  she  replied,  'tis  all  a  lie, 
For  who's  so  free  with  him  as  I  ? 
And,  were  he  so  disposed,  you  see, 
I  think  he  might  have  ravish'd  me. 
Why,  once  I  gave  him  every  chance,  255- 

And  made 'myself  a  warm  advance, 
So,  were  he  wantonly  inclin'd, 
He  must  have  then  been  dull  or  blind," 
I  heard  her  rally  FELIS,  or  ce, 

And  call  her  partner-cat  a  dunce  ;  2<>© 

While  she  the  charge  reiterates, 
Till  both  at  length  condemn  their  mates. 
One  day  she  told  me  she  believed, 
From  circumstances,  she'd 


50  BEASTS    AT    LAW. 

But  added,  "if  a  kid  be  born,  265 

It  can't  belong  to  CAPRICORN." 

Ursus.     Where  was  it  CAPRA  made  advances, 
And  gave  the  Dog  these  secret  chances  ? 

Poll.     'Twas  on  Missouri's  verdant  brink, 
Where  both  had  been  to  bathe  and  drink.  270 

Ursus.     When  CAPRA  held  the  modest  chat. 
About  their  partners,  with  the  Cat, 
Did  it  degrade  them  in  your  eyes  ? 

Pell.     It  could  not  well  be  otherwise. 

Equus.     And  had  not  CAPRA,  then,  my  bird,    275 
With  several  kids  increased  the  herd  ? 

foil.     She  had.  [Parrot  dismissed.] 

Dama.  Who's  next  ? 

Leofiardus.  COLUMBA  !   here, 

We  next  must  call  on  you  my  clear ; 
Please  take  the  stand. 

Dama.  My  gentle  bird, 

Inform  us  what  you've  seen  and  heard.  280 

Columba.     We  Pigeons,  sir,  in  flocks  reside 
Hard  by  the  river,  'tother  side ; 
But  I  have  often  hither  flown, 
And  left  my  mate  at  home  alone. 
In  summer  time,  two  years  ago,  285 

CAPRA  and  I  contrived  it  so, 
That  I  should  fly  across  the  river, 
And  spend  an  hour  in  private  with  her. 
While  we  conversed  on  different  things, 
The  newest  cut  for  pigeon-wings,  2-90 

Or  the  most  fashionable  hair, 
And  beard,  and  horns,  for  Goats  to  wear, 
She  ask'd  me  if  I  did  not  hate 


BEASTS   AT   LAW.  51 

To  be  so  long  without  my  mate  ? 

«  For,  added  she,  I  never  could,  295 

If  CAPRICORN  was  only  good; 

But  I  am  ne'er  the  better  for  him, 

Unless  I  teaze,  and  kick,  and  spur  him." 

Pardus.     My  lord,  I  humbly  do  conceive—— 

Equus.     My  lord 

Pardus.  I'll  speak,  sir,  by  your  leave..,. 

My  lord 300 

Leofardut.     My  lord 

Equus.  My  lord • 

Martin.  My  lord— 

Leopardus.     We  have  a  right 

Pardus.  Hear  me  one  word  ; 

This  seems  on  billingsgate  to  border — — 

Reynard.     I  wish 

Equus,  Your  lordship 

Court.  Order  !  Order  I 

Equus.     I'll  not  object,  my  lord,  about  305 

This  fiend-like  malice  coming  out ... 

Vtrtagus.     That  term  will  suit  the  accusation, 
Not  the  defence. 

Equus.  Their  own  damnation 

Is  seal'd  by  such  defence,  I  think. 

Reynard.     It  seals  our  safety  from  its  brink.  310 
Crosx-ejcananed,  bn  Pardus. 

Pardus.     What  was  your  answer  ?  let  us  know. 

Columba.     1  could  not  speak,  it  shock'd  me  so. 

Pardus.     And  flew  you  then  direct  aw«y  ? 

Columla.     I  did  not  many  minutes  stay.  3H 

Pantus.    How  often,  sin        Vive  you  been  there  ? 

Colwnba.    iSot  more  thau  oace  or  twice,  I'll  swear, 


52  BEASTS    AT    LAW. 

Can.  [aside  to  Dam.]  The  Pigeon's  evidence  witt  dv> 

Da  f>.  a.      You  may  say  that.. ..she's  up.  a  few. 

Cants.     More  tales  like  this,  from  other  sjish'd, 
Will  blast  her  fame,  and  CAPRA'S  dish'd.  320 

Dama.     There's  plenty  to  confirm  Columba's. 
Call  up  the  next.     Who  is't  ? 

Lco/:ardus.  PALUMBES. 

Dama       Give  way,  and  let  the  Ringdove  pass.... 
Fly  over  all  their  heads,  my  lass. 
What  can  you  tell  in  this  affair  ?  325 

Palumbes.     I  sat  upon  a  willow.... 

Dama.  Where  ? 

Palumbcs.     Close  to  the  rapid  river's  brim, 
Where  both  the  parties  came  to  swim. 
From  sporting  on  the  rolling  billow, 
They  came  to  sport  beneath  my  willow  ;  330 

CAFRA  of  being  chill'd  complained, 
Though  I  believed  her  shivering  feign'd  j 
Then  nestling  down,  with  fondest  care 
He  warm'd  her  with  his         shaggy  hair  ; 
And  in  that  posture,  by  the  powers,  33$ 

They  h<.y  together  two  long  hours. 
I  thought  her  conduct  quite  improper, 
But  then  I  had  no  right  to  stop  her, 
[Putumbes  dismissed.] 

Reijn.  CAPRA  appears  to've  been  a  bold  wench. 

Dama.     Is  CAHDUELIS  here,  the  Goldfinch? 
O' there  you  are.. ..come  forward,  Miss.  341 

You've  seen  the  proscculrlx  kiss 
The  Mastiff?  Tell  us  where  and  when- 

Carduelie.     Four  years  ago  ...I  lived  there  thea. 


BEASTS    AT    LAW.  5$ 

He'd  just  been  shorn,  and  look'd  so  sleek,          3 15 
She  to  her  bosom  prcss'd  his  cheek, 
And  kissM  him. 

Dama.  That  you  say  you  saw  ? 

Corduclis.     I  did:  she  prest  him  with  her  paw, 
Cross-examined^  by  Pardus. 

Pardus.     Did  CAPRA  know  you  saw  her  do  it? 

Carduelis.     No,  I  expect  they  neither  knew  it. 

Leofiardut.     The  Blackbird's  next.  350 

Dama.  MERULA,  you 

Know  CATRA  ? 

Mtrula.         Yes,  indeed  I  do  : 
You'll  always  find  within  her  door 
A  dozen  singing  birds  or  more. 
Two  years  ago,  myself  -\vas  one,  355 

And  then  I  saw  a  deal  of  fun  ; 
Such  pains  the  Goat  would  take,  to  keep  . 
The  watchful  guardian  of  the  sheep. 
She  would  the  best  of  food  prepare, 
Then  send  a  bird  to  coax  him  there,  360 

And  if  her  message  was  in  vain, 
She'd  send  it  o'er  and  o'er  again. 

( Me.rula  dismissed.) 

Dama.     And  now  PENT.:LOPE,  for  you.... 
You  know  the  parties  ? 

Penelope.  Yes,  I  do, 

As  well  as  any  Widgeon  here.  365 

Dama.     How  did  the  Goat  to  you  appear  ? 

Ptndofie.  You'll  judge  from  what  on  oath  I  state. 
C  A  NIC  u  LA,  the  Mastiff's  mate, 
Invited  me,  a  year  ago, 

To  chat  with  her  an  hour,  or  so.  37tf 

F 


54  BEASTS    AT    LAW, 

The  Goat  came  in  while  I  was  there, 
And  ask'd  the  Dog,  with  such  an  air  I 
"  What  think  you  of  my  corporation  ? 
My  shape's  improved  to  admiration  j 
You  wish  CANICULA,  I  know,  375 

Were  thriving  in  dimensions  so." 
And  so  went  on  with  such-like  stuff, 
Till  he,  I  guess,  was  sick  enough. 
[Penelofie  dismissed."] 

Canis.     You  guess,  my  pretty  Widgeon,  truly. 

JReynard.     Who's  next  ? 

JUama.  The  lovely  MONEDULA.  380 

Reynard.     I'll  question  her.     My  pretty  Daw, 
Of  this  affair,  tell  what  you  saw. 

Monedula.     I've  often  heard  the  Dog  complain, 
That  CAVRA'S  fondness  gave  him  pain  : 
I've  seen  her  practise  every  art,  385 

And  play  the  suppliant's  humble  part, 
Enticing  him  to  go  with  her, 
Yet  meet  repulses  from  the  Cur. 
When  too  much  teaz'd  with  invitation, 
He  sometimes  left  his  occupation,  390 

And  spent  an  evening  with  her.  .still 
It  seem'd  repugnant  to  his  will. 
She  said,  "  the  beasts  will  sometimes  talk, 
Because  I  go  with  him  to  walk, 
But  I  do'nt  care  a  straw  who  knows  it,  395 

While  my  blind  mate  will  not  oppose  it." 
I  sometimes  ask'd  her  if  she  thought 
The  various  charges  which  were  brought 
Against  her  favorite,  were  true  ? 

answered,  they  were  false  she  knew.  400 


BEASTS    AT    LAW.  55 

1  told  her  I  believed  them  so ... 
And  this  was  not  four  months  ago. 

Cross-examined  by  Urtu*. 

Ursus.     Is  CANIS  on  good  terms  with  you  ? 

Mmedula.     On  terms  becoming  any  two. 

Ui\ws.     And  did  he  ever  kiss  you  ? 

Monedula.  No.  405 

But  even  if  it  had  been  so, 
I'd  not  have  brought  him  into  courtj 
To  expose  myself  far  public  sport. 

Leap.  A  decent  hint  far  CAPRA,  M<a^...  [aside  to  CAN. 

Canis.     For  CAPRA,  SCROFA,  and  the  CAT.          410 

U>~sus.     Did  CAPUA,  oftener  than  the  rest, 
Invite  the  Dog  to  be  her  guest  ? 
Or  did  he  visit  all  he  knew  ? 

Mordeula.     I  have  seen  others  urge  him  too, 
But  not  like  CAPRA. 

Umus.  What  was  told  4 1 5 

Concerning  CAMS  in  the  fold  ? 
What  was  his  character  ? 

Vertagus.  My  lord, 

I  bar  the  question.     Not  a  word 
Have  we  adduced  before  the  court, 
Our  client's  credit  to  support  ;  430 

Such  threads  we've  not  thought  fit  to  tissue. 
And  therefore  'tis  not  put  in  issue. 
We  cannot  be  prepared  to  meet 
The  vague  reports  our  foes  repeat, 
All  foreign  to  the  present  charge.  .i .•.? j 

But  on  this  point  I'll  not  enlarge  ; 
His  lordship  knows  as  well  as  I 
Such  questions  are  not  legal. 

Ursus,  Why  ? 


BEASTS    AT    LAW. 

My  lord,  my  learn'd  opponent  shows, 

How  little  of  the  law  he  knows,  43O 

About  reports  to  raise  a  clatter, 

Which  lead  directly  to  the  matter. 

They're  not  illegal,  I  contend. 

Court.     We  can't  admit  them. 

Ursus.  Then  they  end* 

[Monedul*  dismissed.] 

Varna.     NUMIDICA  is  next. 

Reijnard.  Desire  435 

Her  Turkeyship  to  walk  up  nigher. 
You've  lived  with  CANIS.     Saw  you-aught 
In  CAPRA'S  visits,  that  you  thought 
Improper  ? 

Mimidica.     Seven  months  ago 

She  came. ...though  half-leg  deep  in  snow  ;  44© 

And  with  the  Dog  retired  behind 
A  rock  which  screen'd  them  from  the  wind ; 
They  soon  returned,  when  CAPRA  cried, 
•••  Adieu,  my  dear  1.. ..I'm  satisfied  !" 

Dama.     O  rare  exploit  !  auspicious  day  44^ 

ffi  CAPUA'S  life  ! 

Jfumidica.       Then  went  away. 

Cross-examined  by  Ursus. 

Ursus.     Did  they  converse  about  the  flock? 
.Before  they  went  behind  the  rock  ? 

Numidica.    All  that  I  heard  was,  she  desired 
A  secret  word,  and  they  retired  ;  45(J 

The  subject  of  their  conversation, 
Perhaps  surpass'd  my  penetration. 

Reynard.   'Twa§  not  too  deep  for  CAPRA'S,  though^ 
If  we  may  judge  from  what;  we  know. 


BEASTS    AT    LAW,  - 

Here,  for  the  present,  rest  the  case, 
And  give  our  adversaries  place. 

The  prosecution  next  commence, 
Examining  their  evidence  ; 
BUBO  their  names  proclaim'd  aloud, 
And  having  drawn  them  from  the  crowd, 
He  qualified  them  with  a  phiz,   . 
As  grave  as  any  judge's  is. 
ASINUS  first  assumed  the  stand, 
An  Ass,  with  mein  and  manners  bland ; 
With  aspect  modest  and  serene,  465 

Perhaps  the  meekest  ever  seen  ; 
Whose  movements  ne'er  surpast  a  fiace, 
Save  when  he  sought  the  Dog's  disgrace, 
And  then,  as  if  the  de'il  pursued, 
He  gallop'd  swiftly  through  the  wood.  470 

Ursus.     What  conversation  did  you  hold, 
*  With  CANIS,  guardian  of  the  fold, 

Respecting  CAPRA'S  accusations  ? 

Reynard.     Here's  more  refiorft  and  conversations. 

But  I  sincerely  hope,  my  lord,  475 

Before  this  testimony's  heard, 

The  nature  of  it  may  be  scann'dj 

And  fully  open'd. 

Ursus.  Understand, 

My  learn'd  opponents,  'tis  to  show 

That  the  defendant,  months  ago,  480 

Made  to  ASINUS  full  confession* 

And  own'd  the  whole  of  his  transgression. 
sltiinus.     We  instituted  a  committee 

To  talk  with  CANIS  out  of  pity  j 


JB  BEASTS    AT 

Advise  him'to  confesa  his  errors,  485 

Nor  meet  disgrace  with  all  its  terrors; 

But  the  alarming  danger  shun. 

Of  this  committee  I  was  one. 

Fi  LIS  desired  an  interview 

With  CAMS. 

Leofiardus.     What  have  we  to  do  490- 

With  Cats  again  ?  Why  not  relate 
The  theme  of  any  tete-a-tete 
As  well  as  this  ?  Such  evidence 
Hepugnant  is  to  common  sense. 

Ursus.     This  conversation  was,  my  lord,          495 
Communicated,  word  for  word, 
To  CANIS,  and  on  that  was  built 
The  full  confession  of  his  guilt ; 
Twas  the  inducement,  or  the  basis 
Of  his  confession  ...such  the  case  is.  500 

Dama.     My  lord,  confessions  cannot  be 
Direct,  (so  it  appears  to  me) 
When  such  inducements. ...such  extortion, 
Have  drawn  them  forth... .why,  'tis  abortion ; 
There  must  be  no  inducement,  sir,  505 

To  a  confession  of  the  Cur. 

Equus^    My  lord,  I  will  maintain  there  should, 
That  it  may  well  be  understood 
What  the  confession  has  betray'd, 
And  in  what  spirit  it  was  made.  510 

Court.     You  may  go  on  and  tell  the  court. 
What  you  to  CANIS  did  report, 
If  to  the  point  it  bear  relation. 

Did  you  .report  the  conversation 


BEASTS    AT    LAW.  59 

Between  the  Goat  and  Felis  ? 

Asinus.  Yes.  -     51 5 

Dama.     I  must  again  object  to  this. 
We're  not  prepared  in  our  defence 
To  answer  hear-say  evidence, 
Which  this  but  leads  to  introduce.... 
I  must  object  to  such  abuse,  520 

Pardus.     While  they  so  very  active  are 
To  impeach  our  witness,  'tis  but  fair 
To  let  her  former  declaration 
Give  present  ones  corroboration. 
And  secondly ,  my  lord,  we  would,  525 

Have  the  concealment  understood, 
Accounted  for,  by  showing  you 
What  first  from  her  the  secret  drew. 
And  thirdly,  touching  the  transgression, 
Show  what  induced  the  Dog's  confession,  530 

And  in  what  sense  'twas  understood  : 
Is  not  such  testimony  good  ? 

Vertagus.     This  is  a  most  refined  pretence 
To  introduce,  as  evidence, 

The  accusations  of  a  herd  535 

Who  can't  substantiate  a  word, 
And  who,  besides,  dare  not  appear 
To  make  these  accusations  here. 
If  the  shrill  mewings  of  a  Cat 

Against  the  Dog,  with  this  and  that,  540 

Are  here  admitted,  in  succession, 
As  an  inducement  to  confession, 
Crimes  might  against  the  Dog  appear, 
Which  he's  no  right  or  power  to  clear. 


60  BEASTS   AT    LAW. 

Already  there  has  been  enough  545 

Aspersions,  charges,  and  such  stuff, 

Spread  round  by  Scandal's  busy  hand, 

Without  support  on  which  to  stand. 

SCROFA,  the  Sow,  who  did  her  share, 

In  charges  here  before  the  chair,  *     550 

Was  proved,  and  is  considered,  now, 

An  infamous  lascivious  Sow, 

For  slander's  filthy  gutter  fitted, 

And  CANIS  was  of  course  acquitted. 

Yet  now,  our  adversaries  wish  55-5 

To  serve,  a  second  time,  this  dish. 

Well,  then,  my  noble  lord,  suppose 

That,  after  all  this  slander  goes 

JEjc  Parteto  the  horned  jury, 

For  so  it  must  be  I  assure  you,  560 

That  no  confession  should  appear  ? 

It  goes  for  nothing  then,  'tis  clear.. ... 

But  probably  your  lordship  thinks, 

As  1  do,  that  such  slander  stinks, 

And  that  the  court  ought  not  to  hear  it.  565 

Not  that  our  client  need  to  fear  it, 

But  that,  my  noble  lord,  because, 

?Tis  innovating  on  the  laws. 

At  all  events,  it  must  be  best, 

If  CANIS  any  thing  confest,  570 

To  let  it  first  be  simply  stated, 

And  when  its  nature  is  debated, 

If  it  then  call  for  explanation 

There's  time  enough. 

Reynard.  One  observation,  57$ 


BEASTS    AT    LAW.  61 

And  only  one  will  I  intrude. 

It  must,  I  think,  be  understood, 

That  a  confession,  in  thefold, 

However  black,  should  not  be  told. 

Unless  necessity  may  call,  58° 

It  should  not  be  reveal* d  at  all ; 

*T  would  be  a  breach  of  confidence. 

Excusable  on  no  pretence. 

For  sake  of  argument,  suppose 

He  did  confess.. ..whate'er  he  chose  ; 

That  they  extorted  some  expression 

Which  they  denominate  confession; 

On  what  condition  was  it  made  ? 

This,  doubtless...."  Not  to  be  betray'd." 

Then  why  uncharitably  reveal  590 

What  they  have  promised  to  conceal  ? 

This,  I  affirm,  is  acting  wrongly. 

Equus.     Which  I,  my  lord,  deny  as  strongly  j 
I  reconcile  such  evidence 
To  conscience,  law  and  common  sense.  595 

Court,     ASINUS,  you'd  a  conversation, 
Which  to  the  subject  bears  relation, 
With  the  defendant  ?     Please  to  state  it. 

Mnus.     I  will,  my  lord,  with  truth  relate  it : 
By  the  request  of  FELIS,  sir,  600 

I  had  a  meeting  with  the  cur. 
'Twas  six  days  (I  remember  now) 
Before  the  trial  of  the  Sow. 

Ursus.     But,  on  a  certain  time,  did  you 
With  CASIS  ask  an  interview  ?  605 

Acinus.     I  did,  just  after  SCROFA'S  tvialj 
And  he  expressing  no  denial. 


6'£  BEASTS    AT    LAW. 

Agreed  the  interview  to  hold 

In  MULUS*  stall  below  the  fold. 

A  conversation  I  related,  610 

(After  the  Cat  her  own  had  stated 

With  the  defendant)  which  would  let 

Some  accusations • 

Vertagus.  With  regret, 

I  interrupt  the  evidence, 

(If  to  that  name  it  have  pretence)  615 

But  duty  bids  me  say,  my  lord, 

With  your  indulgence. ...but  one  word....    [(•;•  Ursus. 
It  strikes  me  that  whate'er  they  call 
Co'-fctisions  here,  will,  after  all 

The  means  to  which  they  have  resorted,  620 

Turn  out  to  be  from  him  extorted, 
By  unfair  threats  ...if  that's  the  case, 
The  jury  should  not  give  it  place. 
I,  therefore,  lest  debate  should  tire, 
Would  beg  his  lordship  to  enquire,  625 

Whether,  amid  such  threatening  furies, 
The  Dog  was  so  far  siti  juris, 
As  that  his  words,  without  restriction, 
Are  proofs  enough  for  his.  conviction. 
My  lord,  confessions  should  be  made  650 

Where  neither  hopes  nor  fears  invade., 
To  be  sufficient  evidence 
Of  any  Dog's  conviction:  hence, 
That  offered  by  the  present  witness 
Is  now  opposed  for  its  unfitness.  635 

For  if  it  should,  my  lord,  appear, 
That  these  concessions  rose  from 


Of  such  an  h 


BEASTS   AT   LAW.  63 


such  an  hostile  combination. 
Which  play'd  on  his  imagination  ; 
Which  sported  with  his  hopes  and  fears,  640 

While  in  dismay,  distress,  and  tears, 
Lest  malice,  should  he  not  confess, 
Would  murder  all  his  happiness : 
I  say,  my  lord,  if  this  be  true, 

He'd  a  more  dreadful   fate  in  view,  645 

Than  the  worst  Alligator's  fury, 
That  swims  the  waters  of  Missouri. 

JLeofiardus.     When  officers  come  into  court 
A  beast*s  confession  to  report, 

It  is  their  duty  first  to  swear,  650 

That  'twas  not  gain'd  by  means  unfair ; 
That  threats  nor  bribes  the  secret  wrung, 
But  free  volition  moved  the  tongue. 
This  is  the  right  of  the  accused  ; 
And  though  the  threats  or  bribes  be  used  655 

By  inducement  of  the  prosecutor, 
Or  by  himself  ...as  best  shall  suit  her, 
It  still  destroys  the  evidence. 

F.yuus.     Reason,  my  lord. ...mere  common  sense, 
Is  full  enough  to  show  each  word  660 

My  friends  have  said,  to  be  absurd. 
But  let  the  question  now  be  put 
And  if  they  get  an  answer  to't 
In  their  own  favor,  by  permission, 
We'll  then  have  time  for  disquisition.  665 

Pardu  *.     A  s  i  v  u  s ,  /;  r  w '"  v.f  to  re  1  utin  g 
To     A^IS,  \.  -..  •  the  Cat  was  stating, 
And  what  the  Go  -f;  !nd  told  the  C^t, 
Did  you  use  threats  i  come,  answer  that. 


64  BEASTS    AT   LAW. 

Asinm.    J  answer  no      But  FELIS  told  him,     670 
In  tone  a*  if  she  meant  to  scold  him,    ' 
That  if  he  did  not  see  her  mate, 
Her  mate  would  see  the  Mastiff,  straight. 

Court*     Could  what  i/ou  uttered  be  construed 
As  promises,  or  threatenings  rude  ;  675 

Jlsinus.     'Twas  hoped,  my  lord,  as  all  advised, 
The  matter  would  be  compromised. 
Before  confession,  nought  was  stated 
Concerning  what  the  Cat  related. 
Her  own  affair,  we  hoped,  would  drop,  680 

And  no  one  ever  rake  it  up. 
My  charges  'gainst  the  Dog,  were  three,... 
Just  as  the  Goat  had  told  to  me : 
First,  his  professions  of  affection, 
Which  met  from  CAPRA  due  rejection  ;  685 

And,  secondly^  resort  to  force, 
Which  rudeness  was  repell'd.... (of  course) 
And,  thirdly^  what  took  place  between 
The  parties  at  the  granary  scene. 
I  then  began,  and  to  his  face,  690 

Pronounced  him  infamous  and  base ; 
He  wept,  and  so  did  the  committee.... 
He  through  confusion.. ..we  from  pity. 
He  said  he  felt  such  keen  distress 
He  would  the  shameful  truth  confess  ;  695 

That  his  behaviour  to  these  two 
(The  Cat  and  Goat)  was  bad  he  knew  ; 
So  bad,  he'd  thought  the  Sow  was  sent 
An  instrument  of  punishment. 

He  afterwards,  however,  said  700 

That  this  confession  which  he  made,, 


BEASTS    AT    LAW.  65 

Was  not  intended  to  include 
The  acts,  but  conversations  rude. 

Cross-examined  by  Reynard. 

Reynard.     What  office  did  the  Mastiff  hold, 
Before  appointed  in  the  fold  ?  705 

Asinus.     Near  Mississippi's  farthest  spring, 
He  waited  on  our  Mammoth  king. 

Dama.     What  character  does  CAPRA  bear  ? 

Asinus,     I  never  heard  but  that  'twas  fair. 

Court.     Did  she  assert,  do  you  suppose,  710 

That  she  could  lead  you  by  the  nose  ? 

Asinus.     I  heard  she  said  so,  but  must  doubt  it.*.. 
At  least,  I  care  not  much  about  it. 

Dama.     Told  she  the  truth,  that  you  by  many, 
Were  call'd  no  name  but  "  Sister  .\a?iny  ?"          715 

Asinus.     Envy  alone  gave  me  that  name.... 
It  never  ting'd  my  cheek  with  shame. 

Reynard.      That  which  would  cause  an  Ass , to  blush 
Wzuld  bury  other  beasts  in  brush.  .     [aside.. 

Eguus.     Who  \vas  the  first,  of  all  the  fold,        720 
That  call'd  you  so  ? 

Mnu*.  I've  not  been  told. 

Dama.     Believed  you  SCUOFA'S  accusation  ? 

Asinus.     Not  till  the  present  confirmation  ; 
But  now  I  do,  and  so  I  told 
The  Mustiff,  when  before  the  fold.  725" 

Reun.  You  thought  that  CAPRA  was  not  blameless  f 
But  prone  to  acts  which.... shall  be  nameless, 

Aninits.     If  I  made  use  of  that  expression, 
'Twas  grounded  on  the  Dog's  confession. 

Rei-rard.     You  have  felt  deeply  interested       730 
1 1)  this  affair,  since  first  contested? 
O 


BEASTS    AT    LAW* 

Cer-vus.     To  that  inquiry  I  object. 
Dama.     I'll  prove  the  question  is  correct  j 
Because,  my  lord,  it  will  be  seen 
That  this  meek  Ass  was  moved  by  spleen  ;          725 
Was  urged  by  hate  and  envy's  sway, 
Like  some  inveterate  beast  of  prey ; 
To  range  the  forest,  hill  and  bog, 
For  instruments  to  crush  the  Dog. 

Court.     Do  you  feel  enmity  or  hate  740 

Against  the  Dog  ? 

Mnus.  I  mourn  his  fate ; 

Consider  him  a  fallen  brother, 
Nor  hate  him  worse  than  any  other. 

Dama.     And  for  your  fallen  brother's  good 
Did  you  not  ransack  all  the  wood,  745 

In  search  of  counsel  for  the  state, 
To  seal  your  fallen  brother's  fate  ? 

jisinus.     That  I  can  answer,  if  I  must. 

Dama.     Did  not  my  friend,  the  Courser,  first, 
Apply  to  you  for  leave  to  act  750 

Against  him  ? 

Equus.       I  deny  the  fact. 
The  course  I  took,  rny  lord,  was  built 
On  full  persuasion  of  his  guilt ; 
And  when  retain'd,  did  not  advise 
This  prosecution,  till  my  eyes  755 

Were  fully  opened  by  ASINUS, 
Who  did  himself  refuse  to  join  us, 
Till  I  insisted  his  support 
Should  be  demanded  by  the  court. 

Da'-  a.     Has  not  some  comrade  often  found  you 
With  groups  of  cattle  all  around  you,  761 


BEASTS    AT    LAW..  67 

Urging  their  malice  not  to  soften  ? 

Asinus.  I've  talked  about  it  very  often.' 

Dama.     You  saw  the  Goat,  some  time  before, 
Kiss  CANIS,  at  the  granary  door  ?  765 

Asinus.     I  never  said  I  witness'd  that  ; 
But  I  have  heard  he  kiss'd  the  Cat  ; 
Such  conduct  may  some  creatures  suit, 
But  1  have  never  kiss'd  a  brute; 
They  may  permit  a  canine  elf,  770 

But  I  will  never  do't  myself. 

Ovis.     Good  reason  •mhi/y  unJioU&hed  brute  I 
No  elect  nt  shee/i  would  let  you  do'f.  [aside. 

The  Ass  retired  with  gentle  pace, 
And  most  serene  unruffled  face  ;  775 

Among  the  neighing  tribes  to  stray, 
And  barter  rotten  oats  for  hay  ; 
For  where  he  fed,  beneath  a  W2//, 
He  kept  a  kind  of  broker's  stall ; 

And  when  a  brute,  for  lack  of  grass,  78Q 

Begg'd  but  a  mouthful  from  the  Ass, 
He'd  give  a  scanty  lock  of  hay, 
And  take  the  suppliant's  hide  in  pay. 

Of  better  mettle,  but  of  grain 
More  stubborn  than  the  flinty  plain, 
A  Mule,  of  obstinate  deport,  785 

Now  stalk'd  majestic  into  court, 
Attended  by  his  gentle  mate, 
On  whose  fair  lips  hung  Mastiff's  fate. 
This  beast  had  roarn'd  the  savage  waste,  790 

And  knew  a  thousand  plants  by  taste  ; 
So  undertook,  nor  fear'd  of  failing, 
To  cure  each  beast  of  every  ailing  ; 


6*8  BKASTS    AT    LAW, 


And  we  had  ne'er  a  quack  to  school  us. 

So  much  admired  as  doctor  MULUS.  ?&& 

He  took  his  station,  as  desired, 

And  CERVUS  of  him  thus  inquired  : 

Cer-vus.     Had  you  a  conversation,  sir, 
About  this  matter,  with  the  cur  ? 
Inform  the  court  if  that's  the  case,  800 

How,  when,  and  where  the  same  took  place. 

Mulua.    I  heard  a  conversation  pass 
JJctween  the  Dog,  the  Cat,  and  Ass  ; 
For  I  was  present,  by  request, 
To  hear  what  talk  escaped  the  rest.  805 

Ceri>us.     What  conversation  did  you  note 
Concerning  injuries  done  the  Goat  ? 

JMulitf;.     ASINUS,  FELIS,  Dog  and  all, 
Came,  by  agreement,  to  my  stall, 

Some  distance  from  the  river  shore 810 

I'll  tell  the  truth  and  nothing  more.  [earnestly. 

Cervua*     Did  FELIS  any  charge  produce 
From  CAPRA,  of  the  Dog's  abuse  ? 
Tell  us  the  Mastiff's  conversation.... 
What  said  the  Cur  on  that  occasion  ?  515 

Mulus.     The  Cat  charged  CAMS  with  the  vise 
Of  telling  CAPUA,  once  or  twice, 
Hovr  much  he  loved  her.. ..for  which  cause 
He'd  find  that  she  (the  Cat)  had  claws; 
•;  For  had  you  not,  continued  s.he,  820 

Mucle  love  to  her  as  well  as  me, 
.My  o\vr*  complaint  had  not  come  out"— * 

JRcyn.     A  little  jealousy,  I  doubt*       •  [aside;. 

JMitlus.     CAMS  confess'd  that  some  expressions 
I'.I:,d  dropt  from  him  Uke  love-professions,  825 


BEASTS    AT    LAW.  69 

Which  CAPRA  had  repell'd  with  scorn, 
Threatening  to  tell  her  CAPRICORN  ; 
To  leave  the  fold,  and  take  no  more 
Her  rations  at  the  granary  door. 

Reyn.     We  recollect  these  rations,  well.  830 

Leoji.     What  further  from  the  Mastiff  fell  ? 

Mulus.     He  said,  in  a  peculiar  note, 
"  CAPRA'S  an  artful,  cunning  Goat  ; 
But  I  could  circumstances  state 
To  ruin  CAPRA  with  her  mate,  835 

And  give  her  credit  such  a  shock, 
That  she'd  be  scorn' d  by  all  the  flock/' 
I  ask'd  the  Dog,  in  great  surprise. 
What  gave  to  that  assertion  rise, 
For  nothing  had  I  ever  seen,  $40 

In  CAPRA'S  conduct  bad  or  mean. 
He  answered  thus :  "  I  only  meant 
That  acts,  which  may  be  innocent, 
Might  be  display 'd  in  such  a  light, 
That  they'll  appear  as  black  as  night ;  845 

And  should  I  something  so  display, 
Her  reputation  fades  away." 
But,  added,  when  I  look'd  surprised. 
That  such  a  measure  he  despised. 
«  Take  note  of  that !  !  1" 

Leofi.  Hold,  doctor  Mule  I  850 

In  this  place  you  must  bend  to  rule. 
And  such  impertinence  again, 
Perhaps  may  meet  a  bit  and  rein. 

Mulus.     I  merely  by  those  words  design'dj 
That  it  should  not  escape  your  mind.  85 S 


70  BEASTS    AT    LANV. 

Three  charges  next  ASINUS  made, 

The  same  which  he  has  here  displayed, 

Against  the  Dog,  who  heard  them  through, 

And  then  acknowledged...." it  is  true" 

On.  that,  with  most  pathetic  bray,  860 

The  Ass  attempted  to  display 

The  danger  of  his  awful  course, 

On  which  he  dwelt  with  warmth  and  force, 

CAMS  replied,  "  I  will  confess, 

That  I  have  err'd.... 

Vertagus.  JVb  Ass  does  less.  [aside     865 

Mulus.     "  But  must  my  innocence  avow 
Of  charges  stated  by  the  Sow." 
As  I  some  things  began  to  urge, 
BRUIN*  applied  to  stop  a  purge  ; 
And  going  to  relieve  the  Bear,  870 

MULA,  I  found  was  listening  there, 
Who  said  that  she 

Leofi.  That  will  not  do, 

.Do  not  tell  us  what  she  told  you  ; 
But  let  us  hear  what  next  took  place, 
When  you'd  prescribed  for  BRUIN'S  case.  875 

Mulus.     When  I  return'd,  to  please  my  mate, 
I  let  her  witness  the  debate ; 
Who  ask'd,  the  moment  she  appeared, 
The  meaning  of  the  speech  she  heard, 
And  what  poor  CAPRJV  had  been  doing,  S80 

That  CAMS  could  effect  her  ruin  ? 
a  Why,  my  dear  sister,  he  replied, 
I  only  meant,  that,  if  I  tried, 
I  could  make  things  so  bad  appear, 
That  she'd  have  every  thing  to  fear.'j  BBS 


IMEASTS    AT    LAW,  71. 

And  then  he  mentioned  an  affair 

To  MULA  known,  about  a  Mare 

Who  innocently  suffered  so, 

Above  a  year  and  half  ago. 

My  mate  enquired  if  he  had  seen 

An  action  wanton,  base,  or  mean, 

In  CAPRA'S  conduct,  or  had  heard 

Her  tongue  pronounce  a  naughty  word  ? 

And  vow'd,  if  that  should  be  the  case, 

The  flock  should  bring  her  to  disgrace,  895 

He  answer'd  MUL\,  that  he  had 

Known  nought  of  CAPRA  mean  or  bad ; 

But  that  a  beast,  inclined  to  ill, 

Might  consummate  her  fuin  still. 

Then  in  an  accent  low  and  irieek,  900 

With  fallen  tail  and  moistened  cheek, 

He  ask'd  if  we  our  rage  would  smother  ? 

"  Forgive,  he  cried,  a-  fallen  brother  1"^ 

ASINUS  readily  agreed, 

And  so  we  all  forgave  the  deed;  905 

Bade  him  depart,  and  sin  no  more, 

And  this  affair  should  all  blow  o'er. 

The  Ass  proposed  for  one  to  go 

To  CAPRICORN'S,  and  ward  the  blow  > 

1  undertook  it  for  my  brother,  910 

Having  more  influence  than  another. 

Reyn.     With  CAPRICORN,  or  CAPRA,  doctor  ? 

Jtfulvs.     I  scorn  your  words,  pedantic  proctor ! 

Reyn.     I  must  request  the  court,  I  fear. 
To  check  your  insolent  career;  915 

I  cannot  tell,  unmanner'd  Mule  ! 
Jf  you're  a  quack  in  physic's  school ; 


72  BEASTS   AT    LAW. 

But  that  you're  one  in  declamation 

Needs  not  the  proof  of  demonstration. 

So  now  go  on,  with  gentler  pace.  920 

Mulus.     I  soon  arriv'd  at  CAPRA'S  place, 
And  told  her  that  the  whole  affair, 
Through  FELIS'  means,  was  taking  air  ; 
And  wish'd,  if  possible,  it  might 
Be  buried  in  oblivious  night. 
The  Goat,  in  monstrous  rage,  on  that 
Began  to  rail  against  the  Cat, 
For  thus  exposing,  to  the  fold, 
What  she  in  confidence  had  told. 

She  now  would  have  to  tell  her  mate,  930- 

Before  he  heard  another's  prate  ; 
For  if  he  got  it  first  from  them, 
Herself  unheard  he  might  condemn. 

Cervus.     Did  you  return  and  tell  the  Cur, 
What  past  between  yourself  and  her?  935 

Mulus.     I  told  the  Dog  our  conversation, 
And  that  'twas  her  determination 
To  tell  her  mate  the  whole  affair ; 
When  he  exclaim'd,  in  deep  despair, 
"My  ruin  follows  the  disclosure  ! 
Will  she  persist  in  my  exposure  ? 
My  future  fate,  my  life  or  death 
Suspended  hang  on  CAPRA'S  breath ; 
'Tis  hers  to  save,  or  else  destroy 
My  every  hope  of  earthly  joy. 
If  you  can  do  me  any  good. 
For  Mammoth's  sake,  I  wish  you  would  I" 
I  told  him  that  he  might  depend 
On  my  exertions  as  a  friend; 


BEASTS    AT    LA^SV.  73 

And  so  we  parted. 

Cervus:  \Vhenhadyou  950 

With  CAPKICORN  an  interview  ? 

Afulus.     He  came  that  evening  to  my  stall, 
And  said  his  mate  had  told  him  all. 
He  seem'd  composed,  sedate  and  cool, 
But  obstinate. 

Reyn.  As  any  Mule.  [aside     955 

Mulus.     Resolved  to  seek  for  satisfaction. 
And  institute  a  legal  action. 
I  used  my  rhetoric  in  vain 
His  resolution  to  restrain  ; 
And  so  did  Sister  Nanny  too, 

But  our  dissuasion  would  not  do.  96Q 

He  swore  to  make  the  Mastiff  smart, 
And  in  that  humor  did  depart. 

Cross  examined  by  Leopardus. 

Leop.     You  undertake,  on  oath,  to  say 
You  t^ed  to  do  this  thing  away,  -965 

And  wish'd  to  have  it  quite  forgot  ? 

Mulus,     I  do. 

Leofi.  But  tell  me,  did  you  not 

Through  all  the  wood  pursue  your  rout, 
And  bray  malicious  slanders  cut, 
To  prejudice  the  beasts  at  large,  970 

Against  the  object  of  their  charge  ? 

Mulu&.     Not  till  I  saw  a  combination 
Resolved  on  virtue's  degradation  ; 
Prepared  the  cause  of  vice  to  prop, 
\Yhile  that  of  innocence  should  drop.  973 

Leo.'i.     Did  not  the  fold  expel  you  thence  ? 

Mulus,     Not  for  the  want  of  evidence 


74  BEASTS    AT 

On  my  behalf 

JLeop.  I  wish  to  know 

If  you  sought  Mastiff's  overthrow, 
Or  in  his  service  was  sincere  ?  980 

Mulus.     The  Cat  would  tell  you,  were  she  here. 

Leoft.     You  thought  your  agency  would  tend 
To  serve  the  Mastiff  as  a  friend  ? 

Mulus.     I've  told  you  once  how  I  designed  it ; 
If  you  want  other  language,  find  it.  985 

Reyn.     Answer  directly  with  precision — 
Did  you  think  yours  a  friendly  mission  ? 

Mulus.     I  did  not  think  the  Cat  his  friend, 
But  never  did  myself  intend 

To  injure  CANIS  in  the  least,  990 

Whatever  names  I  call'd  the  beast. 

jLeo/z.     You  said  you  pitied  and  forgave  him  ? 

M^lus.     Yes,  so  I  did,  and  wish'd  to  save  him. 

Leoft.     But  since  have  changed  ? 

Mulus.  I  think  'twas  time> 

When  CANIS  first  confest  his  crime,  995 

And  then  denied  what  he'd  confest. 

Leofi.     The  moment  CAPRICORN  exprest 
Irlis  firm  resolve  to  prosecute, 
You  turned,  and  join'd  in  the  pursuit  ? 

Mulus.     I  changed  opinion  on  the  ground       1000 
That  he  had  such  supporters  found, 
As  would  destroy,  in  his  defence, 
The  character  of  innocence  ; 
Virtue  asperse,  to  ward  his  fate, 
And  even  implicate  my  mate,  1005 


BEASTS   AT    LAW.  75 

Mulua  dismissed,  and  Mula  called. 

Cer-vus.     Madam,  you'll  please  to  tell  the  court 
Whate'er  you  know. 

Reyn.  Except  report. 

Mula.     The  cause  of  my  intrusion,  sir, 
Was  merely  this — I  heard  the  Cur 
Tell  FELIS  he  could  quite  destroy  1010 

The  Goat's  fair  fame,  and  every  joy  ; 
And  easily  effect  her  ruin. 
The  doctor  being  call'd  by  BRUIN, 
I  ask'd  him  if  he  wa'nt  ashamed 
To  hear  poor  CAPRA  thus  defamed  ?  1015 

And  then  requested  his  permission 
To  join  the  little  inquisition; 
Which  being  granted,  I  begun, 
And  ask'd  what  act  the  Goat  had  done 
That  he  (the  Mastiff)  could  destroy  1020 

Her  reputation,  peace,  and  joy  ? 
The  Mastiff  answered — "you  mistake  ; 
My  meaning  was,  that  I  could  make 
Some  things,  by  glossing,  seem  so  black, 
That  CAPRA'S  fame  would  go  to  wreck."  1025 

The  sun  was  set,  and  evening's  shade 
Hung  deepening  o'er  the  narrow  glade  ; 
The  trees  distill'd  refreshing  damps, 
The  fire  flies  trimm'd  their  little  lamps  ; 
The  cricket  tried  his  amorous  note,  1030 

The  tree-toad  tuned  his  hoarser  throat ; 
The  bull-frog  chaunted  from  the  stream, 
Sparkling  with  Cynthia's  silver  beam  ; 
While  whipperwills,  from  every  grove, 
Taught  Echo's  voice  the  tone  of  love.  1035 


76  BEASTS   AT    LAW. 

LEO,  fatigued  with  regal  cares, 

A  long  dull  day  of  law  affairs, 

Required  refreshing  sleep's  support, 

And  so  adjourn'd  the  savage  court.  1039 


END  OF   CANTO  II. 


BEASTS  AT  LAW: 


OR, 


Zoologian  Jurisprudence. 

CANTO  III. 


H 


THE  ARGUMENT. 

DESCRIPTION  of  morning — the  court  meets — CAPUA  re-ex 
amined — Recapitulation — Cross-examined  by  LEOPARPUS 
— RUBE cu LA,  the  Redbreast,  examined — GALLINAGO,  the 
Snipe,  examined — SCOLOPAX,  the  Woodcock,  examined — 
Cross-examined  by  PARDUS — CORNICULUS,  the  Rabbit, 
examined — ERINACEUS,  the  Hedgehog1,  examined — The 
Opossum  examined — The  Rat  examined — The  Sparrow 
examined — The  Woodpecker  examined — The  Quail  exami 
ned — The  Fox  examined,  for  the  prosecution — Cross-ex« 
amined,  by  LEOPARD  us-— ASINUS  re-examined,  for  the 
prosecution — MERULA,  the  Blackbird,  re-examined — Dr. 
MULUS  re-examined,  for  the  prosecution — The  evidence 
closed,  by  LEOPARDUS — REYNARD'S  speech  for  the  De 
fendant — The  speech  of  LEOPARDUS  for  defendant — The 
speech  of  URSUS,  in  summing  up  for  the  beasts- — Martin's 
speech  against  the  defendant — The  LION'S  charge  to  the 
jury — The  end. 

S  c E  N,E — as  before .    Time— aj»out  t\v eive  hours 


BEASTS  AT  LAW. 

A  POEM, 

IN  THREE   CANTOS'. 

CANTO  ip. 

'*  Be  Dog  and  Goat  together  tied  ; 
A  hoodwink'd  Ape  with  lash  supplied^ 
And  while  each  stroke  at  random  falls, 
The  first  that  winces,  cries,  or  squalls, 
Shall  be  the  scoff  of  all  the  race, 
And  held  in  abject  low  disgrace." 

Sentence  of  the  court. 

THE  morn,  in  purple  glories  dight, 

Now  burst  upon  the  rear  of  Night, 

Who,  gathering  up  his  lurid  vest, 

Retreated  swift  towards  the  west. 

All  nature  wakes  from  soft  repose,  5 

The  flowers  their  dewy  breasts  unclose, 

Whsre  insect  tribes  their  votaries  pay, 

And  sip  their  nectared  sweets  away. 

The  birds  commence  their  matin  song, 

And  streams  of  music  float  along  ;  10 

Their  grassy  couch  the  herds  forsake, 

To  crop  the  mead,  or  taste  the  lake, 

And  all  commence  the  infant  day, 

As  toil  or  pleasure  points  the  way ; 

Till  summoned  by  the  Jackall's  roar,  /15 

The  court  assembled  as  before. 


*  BEASTS    AT    LAW. 

Cafira  're-examined. 
Cervus.     CAPRA,  we  call  on  you 
Some  information  to  obtain, 
Why  you  have  waited  till  this  time 
Since  Dog's  commission  of  the  crime,  2Q 

And  hid  his  fault  till  this  late  season— 
Of  this  delay  explain  the  reason. 

Cafira.     I  feared  the  consequences,  sir, 
Would  be  most  dreadful  to  the  Cur ; 
And  so  assumed  a  feigned  esteem,  2£ 

That  none  the  truth  might  ever  dream? 
The  secret  of  my  wrongs,  untold 
To  any  member  of  the  fold, 
,So  weigh'd  upon  my  aching  breast, 
That  1  had  neither  health  nor  rest ;  4P 

My  spirits  sunk  beneath  the  weighs, 
Till  nature  found  the  load  too  great* 
JTwas  then,  (about  six  weeks  ago) 
Finding  existence  ebbing  low, 

.To  FELIS  I  disclosed  the  fact,  3o 

And  begg'd  her  counsel  how  to  act; 
But  made  her  promise  ne'er  to,  teH. 
^f  he  secret  I  had  kept  so  well,. 

Cervw.     But  first  did  she  accuse  the  Cur 
Of  having  done  the  same  to  her  ?  40 

Ca/ira.     Yes,  she  confided  first  in  me, 
So  I  could  do  no  less,  you  see, 
Than  trust  her  with  my  confidence, 
Though  I  repent  it  sadly  since. 

Cervus.     How  came  you  finally  to  tell  45 

Your  matCj  whose  rage  you  knew  so  well  ? 


BEASTS    AT    LAW.'  81 

Caflra.     After  the  Cat  had  thus  betray'd  it, 
I  knew  'twas  useless  to  evade  it ; 
And  so  to  CAPRICORN  confest 
The  whole  affair — and  eas'd  my  breast.  *0 

Cervus.     Ovis  affirms  she  heard  a  kiss, 
When  once  together — how  is  this  ? 

Cafira.     The  time  she  mentions  I  can  swear 
JTwas  she  who  kiss'd  the  Mastiflf  there, 
And  when  I  charged  her  with  the  blame  55 

She  begg'd  me  ne'er  to  tell  the  same. 

Cervus.     Ovis,  you  know,  has  sworn  she  saw 
You  coming  from  the  Mastiff's  straw  ; 
Explain  that  matter. 

Cajira.  'Tis  a  lie— 

The  Ewe  was  there  herself— not  I.  60 

Cervua.     The  Magpie  swears  you  show'd  a  Stag 
Your  dugs. 

Cafira.         What  insolence  in  Mag! 
She  knows  that  time  I  suckled  kid, 
And  if  he  saw  them—then  he  did. 

Cervus.    The  Goldfinch  swears  you  kiss'd  the  Cur . 
What  answer  can  you  give  to  her  ?  66 

Cajira.     My  mate  was  present  at  the  time, 
And  would  he  overlook  the  crime  ? 
Would  he  see  CANIS  thus  offend, 
And  still  remain  his  warmest  friend  ?  70 

For  such  he  was,  I  dare  avow, 
In  that  affair  about  the  Sow  ; 
Where  I  am  sure  (although  acquitted) 
That  CAXIS  had  the  crime  committed. 

Cervus.     One  witness  has  affirmed  you  cried     7$ 
*<  Adieu,  my  dear !— Pm 
US 


8£  BEASTS    AT   LAW. 

Cafira.     I  do  not  recollect  it,  sir  j 
I  ne'er  in  private  saw  the  Cur, 
Except,  as  I  have  stated  here, 

The  tune  the  villain  bit  my  ear.  80 

Cross-examined,  by  Leopardus. 

Leoft.    You  heard  COLUMBA  here  relate 
Remarks  of  yours  about  your  mate  ; 
You  said  you  had  to  kick  and  spur 

Cafira.     I  never  said  the  thing  to  he-r, 

Leofi.     What  say  you  of  the  river  scene,  8$ 

After  you  both  were  wash'd  so  clean  ? 
Did  you  not  nestle  in  his  hair 
To  screen  you  from  the  chilly  air  ? 

Cafira.    He  cover'd  me  to  make  me  warm, 
And  I  had  not  a  thought  of  harm  ;  9O 

Had  I  suspected  any  evil, 
I  would  have  butted  like  the  devil. 

Court.    You  must  have  done  so,  then,  *tis  clear, 
When  he  was  rude,  and  bit  your  ear? 

Cafira.     I  had  not  time,  1  fled  away,  $£ 

1  felt  so  vext  I  could  not  stay. 

Rubeculciy  the  Redbreast ,  examinee^, 

Leoji.     My  little  Robin,  please  to  state 
What  you  have  heard  the  Ass  relate. 

Rub.     Ovis  enquired  of  him,  one  day, 
What  the  poor  Mastiff  had  to  say  ;  100 

And  whether  he'd  the  whole  confess'd, 
When  thus  the  Ass  himself  exprest : 
•'  The  Dog  does  not  confess  the  fact, 
And  still  denies  he  did  the  act ; 
lie  only  owns  he  dropt  expressions  105 

Which  might  amount  to  love-professions,'* 


LEASTS    AT    LAW.-  8& 

» 
And  this  I  heard  ASINUS  say, 

Some  time  since  the  confession-day. 

Leofi.     Call  up  the  Snipe. 

Darria.  She's  here  at  hand. 

Le.op.     Sweet  GALLINAGO,  take  the  stand.         110 
Tell  what  you  know. 

Gall.  I  ask'd  the  Ass, 

Who  came  my  way  about  some  grass, 
If  CANIS  had  confess'd  his  faults  ; 
He  told  me  he  denied  assaults, 

And  every  thing  akin  tofirce,  115 

But  merely  own*d  some  loose  discourse. 
And  then  ASINUS  added  to't, 
That  CAPRA  was  a  shocking  brute  ; 
Obscene  in  talk,  and  rude  to  boot. 

Scolo/iaxy  the  Woodcock,  examined. 

Scol.     My  GALLINAGO  spoke  correct,  120 

And  I,  besides,  can  recollect 
How  zealous  in  the  Mastiff 's  cause 
This  very  same  ASINUS  was, 
His  crime,  he  told  a  dozen  birds, 
Was  merely  trifling,  foolish  words,  13-5 

For  which  no  creature  ought  to  smart, 
And  he  forgave  him  from  his  heart. 


The  Translator  must  here  express  his  regret  for  the 
unavoidable  omission  of  several  pages  of  this  interesting-  tri 
al.  But  although  he  has  searched  high  and  low  for  them, 
they  cannot  be  found.  There  is  but  one  chance  remaining 
for  their  existence — They  might  have  been  accidentally  left 
with  the  boatmen,  on  the  Missisippi.  The  translator  has  dis 
patched  a.  courier  la  Fort  Pitt,  and,  another  to  New-Orleans* 


$8  BEASTS    At    LAW. 

to  make  enquiries  on  this  subject.  ,  Should  these  messengers 
be  successful,  the  public  shall  be  furnished,  without  delay, 
with  the  object  of  their  search,  neatly  printed  in  a  supplement. 
Until  that  auspicious  moment,  they  are  requested  to  suspend 
their  curiosity,  and  pass  on  to  the  remainder  of  the  work. — 
From  a  careful  perusal  of  the  original,  immediately  following 
this  unfortunate  hiatus,  I  find,  that  the  Fox  has  arisen  to  ad- 
dress  the  court  on  the  part  of  the  defendant ;  that  he  has 
summed  up  the  evidence,  and  thus  proceeds  in  addressing* 
the  jury :  J 

"  You  are  not  summon'd  to  decide  295 

Whether  defendant  be  allied 
To  the  fleet  Pointers  of  his  nation, 
Or  as  a  Cur  deserves  his  station  ; 
This  would  be  usurpation  rude, 
And  on  our  monarch's  rights  intrude,  300 

To  whose  prerogative  alone 
Belong  the  means  to  make  it  known, 
Nor  are  you  to  emblazon  forth 
Defendant's  worth,  or  lack  of  wortft, 
In  character,  or  orthodox,  305 

As  guardian  of  his  fold  and  flocks  ; 
This  is  for  those  who  placed  him  there, 
Confiding  in  his  trust  and  care  : 
And  those  who  dare  this  right  invade, 
Should  to  all  beasts  a  scorn  be  made.  310 

You've  simply  to  decide  the  facts, 
Whether  defendant  did  the  acts  j 
And  did  the  acts  with  rude  intent, 
Against  the  plaintiff's  own  consent i 
For  in  the  law,  by  legal  course,  313 

Assault  and  battery  rise  from  force  ; 
And  where  no  force  is  used,  *tis  plain,* 
No  cause  for  action  can  reraain. 


BEASTS   AT    LAH%  89 

'ki  Tis  requisite,  in  your  decision, 
To  give  the  evidence  revision, 
And  make  an  honest  calculation 
Of  CAPRA'S  worth — —in  reputation. 
Who  is  this  CAPRA  ?  Horned  jury, 
'Tis  painful  business,  I  assure  ye, 
To  urge  enquiries  which  embrace 
A  fellow-creature's  sad  disgrace. 
But  when  a  female,  dead  to  shame, 
Will  thus  the  public  notice  claim  ; 
When  she  enlists  in  such  a  cause, 
Not  for  the  love  of  virtue's  laws,  330 

But  for  the  purpose  of  destroying 
The  fame  which  others  are  enjoying, 
Tis  ours  the  question  to  pursue.... 
Who  is  the  prosecutrix  ? ...  Who-  f 
On  her  own  statement,  she's  a  beast 
Who'll  bear  an  insult  well  at  least ; 
And  live  in  friendship  with  the  brute 
Who  treats  her  like  a  prostitute  ; 
Conceal  his  insults  from  her  mate, 
For  nearly  three  years  after  date.  '340 

If  we  can  credit  her  report, 
Made  here  on  oath  before  the  court- 
She  bore  with  patient  resignation 
A  wrong  of  deepest  aggravation  ; 
Permitted  her  chaste  matron  ear  <S43 

The  wrong  repeatedly  to  hear ; 
Endured  a  base  attempt  at  force, 
And  yet  pursued  her  friendly  course, 
And  still  the  treacherous  wretch  carest 
Who  thus  profaned  her  virtuous  breast  I 


50  BEASTS    AT    LAW. 

Her  guardian,  too  !  whose  sacred  duty 

Was  not  to  taste,  but  guard  her  beauty, 

In  whom  she  saw  a  fiend  of  night 

Clad  in  habiliments  of  light ! 

It  was  a  crime  against  her  mate,  555 

The  partner  of  her  wayward  fate  ; 

An  insult  to  her  Mammoth  king, 

From  whom  our  various  blessings  spring  ; 

And  yet,  surprising  to  relate, 

She  never  told  her  tender  mate  ;  360 

Nor  do  we  hear  of  such  a  thing 

As  her  complaining  to  the  king : 

The  angel  still,  unknown  to  evil, 

Associated  with  the  devil ! 

Two  years  roll'd  on,  and  all  was  peace,  365 

Her  friendship  suffered  no  decrease  ; 

No  cloud  obscured  the  atmosphere, 

No  storm  of  rage  did  yet  appear  ; 

(And  still,  'tis  seen  by  all  the  jury, 

She's  got  the  temper  of  a  fury.)  t  37O 

Why,  sirs,  the  story  of  this  Goat 

Will  cut  her  own  polluted  throat ; 

It  cannot  stand. ...the  truth  has  weight 

To  make  it  sink  in  spite  of  fate. 

'Tis  loaded  with  intrinsic  proof,  37 5 

Either  that  insult  kept  aloof, 

Or  that,  if  it  approach*d  her  breast, 

'Twas  there  invited  and  carest. 
"  Such  is  the  Goat,  on  her  report, 

Believing  what  she  told  the  court  j  380 

What  is  she  by  report  of  those 

Who  in  support  of  CANIS  rose  ; 


BEASTS   AT    LAW.  91 

XViio  even  modesty  discarded, 

That  justice  might  not  be  retarded  ? 

Gladly  would  they  have  shunn'd  the  task  385 

Of  stripping  vice  of  virtue's  mask  ; 

But  when  they  saw  their  friend  must  yield. 

Should  they  abash*  d  desert  the  field, 

They  chose  the  treacherous  snake  to  slay, 

And  save  her  charm'd,  bewildered  prey.  390 

By  them,  this  Goat  appears  to  hold 

No  claim  to  virtue  in  the  fold : 

She  has  those  very  teats  exposed 

Which  she  complains  that  CANIS  nosed  ; 

She  has  declared,  she  feared  her  eyes,  595 

Would  show  how  warm  her  wishes  rise  ; 

And  that  she  dared  not  be  alone 

With  any  male,  except  her  own. 

But  these  foul  stains  are  snowy  white, 

Compared  with  others  brought  to  light....  400 

She  stands  convicted  of  complaining 

(Not  while  the  gloom  of  night  was  reigning, 

But  in  the  open  light  of  day) 

That  CAPRICORN  could  not  allay 

The  flames  of  lust  which  fill  her  veins....  40£ 

The  fire  that  in  her  bosom  reigns  !  !  1 

And  yet,  she  can  of  -virtue  prate, 

And  has  the  hardihood  to  state 

That/orce  against  her  had  been  used, 

And  her  fair  chastity  abused  !  !  !  410 

Why,  gentle  Bulls,  as  well  might  you 

Complain  of  all  the  Heifers,  too  ; 

With  the  same  justice,  too,  might  I 

Qompiain  that  Chickens  cannot  fly ; 


92  BEASTS  AT    LAW. 

Or  FELIS,  while  she  roves  the  heath,  415; 

That  Rabbits  jump  between  her  teeth ! 

«  The  prosecutrix,  we  are  told, 
Six  years  ago  first  join'd  the  fold ; 
Which  she  found  happy  and  united, 
And  every  member  much  delighted  420 

With  their  good  shepherd,  whom  they  bring 
From  court. ...first  chaplain  of  our  king. 
He  came,  with  royal  honors  deck'd, 
This  flock  to  foster  and  protect; 
He  came,  inspired  with  honest  zeal  425 

(In  my  opinion)  for  its  weal ; 
To  teach  them  where  to  rove  and  feed, 
To  crop  the  grass,  or  shim  the  weed  ; 
To  taste  the  brook.... and  never  stray, 
Lest  lurking  danger  guard  the  way.  430 

Such  was  the  flock,  as  Heaven  design'd  it, 
When  this  pernicious  CAPRA  join'd-it. 
Scarce  had  she  entered,  when,  behold ! 
We  find  a  serpent  in  the  fold, 

Whose  hell-born  art  of  fascination  4$5 

Was  levelled  at  the  highest  station  ; 
She  mark'd  her  victim,  and  began 
To  prosecute  her  treacherous  plan. 
Though,  with  the  sheep,  in  Erie  thrust, 
Its  waters  had  not  cool'd  her  lust ;  440 

And  she  her  scheme  so  well  pursued, 
I  marvel  CANIS  wa'n't  subdued. 
She  kiss'd  him,  to  awake  desire, 
And  fed,  with  richest  food,  the  fire ; 
On  his  retirement  has  intruded,  445 

And  to  her  own  the  Dog  deluded  ; 


BLASTS   AT    LAW.  93 

In  short,  combined  such  charms  together, 
As  might  inspire  a  stupid  wether. 

"  Still  the  defendant  did  not  fall.... 
For,  had  he  yielded  to  her  call,  450 

The  fiend  of  lust  had  been  appeased, 
And  CAPRA  with  the  Mastiff  pleased ; 
No  prosecution  had  been  seen, 
Nor  love  have  changed  to  hate  and  spleen. 
But  he  rejected  her  desires,  455 

Till  they  assumed  infernal  fires  ; 
Her  blasted  hopes  were  turn'd  to  rage, 
And  she  resolved  this  war  to  wage. 
Panting  for  vengeance,  still  she  fear'd 
The  Mastiff  was  so  much  revered,  460 

That  her  bare,  unsupported  tale, 
Would  in  the  cause  of  vengeance  fail; 
And,  therefore,  potent  means  devised 
By  which  the  Dog  might  be  surprised. 
Could  he  be  frightened  to  confession  465 

Of  any  action  like  transgression, 
She  thought  the  work  would  be  complete, 
And  CAMS  would  with  shame  retreat; 
So  organised  an  inquisition, 

Of  beasts  just  fitted  for  the  mission.  4TG 

F»  LIS,  a  Cat  of  tarnished  fame, 
Whose  jealousy  she  could  inflame, 
Was  chosen  as  a  proper  tool, 
Asm  us  next,  and  then  the  Mule  ; 
The  latter  from  the  flock  expell'd,  47s 

She  knew  would  gladly  take  the  field ; 
While  she  could  'lead,  whene'er  she 
meek  Afcivus  by  the  nose. 
I 


$4  BEASTS    AT    LAW. 

The  council  met,  in  dread  array, 

Their  accusations  to  display,  480 

And  taking  CANIS  by  surprise, 

They  conjure  up  before  his  eyes, 

A  host  of  dangers  that  await 

Kis  hardened,  unconfessing  state; 

Till,  quite  bewildered,  he  confest  485 

Some  foolish  speech  he  had  exprest ; 

And  thus  confiding— — #     ^     #     #     # 


Here  is  another  deficiency  in  the  Arabic  MS.  The 
remainder  of  this  excellent  speech  seems  to  be  lost,  and  two 
others,  noted  in  the  argument,  must  have  shared  a  similar 
fate,  to  wit :  that  of  LEO  PARC  us,  on  the  part  of  the  defend- 
ant,  and  that  of  URSUS,  in  summing  up  for  the  beasts,  on  the 
part  of  CAPRA.  The  Martin,  for  the  prosecution ;  appears  to 
have  closed  the  observations,  a  part  of  whose  speech  I  am 
enabled  to  translate,  the  commencement  of  it  being  so  de 
faced,  that  it  is  impossible  for  me  to  decypher  it.  He  thus 
proceeds :] 

"  This  Goat,  it  seems,  saw  fit  to  call 
And  visit  CANIS  at  his  stall ;  680 

Who  begg'd  a  private  chat  to  hold 
u  On  matters  that  concerned  the  fold." 
Confiding  in  him,  she  retired, 
And  he  with  wickedness  inspired, 
Assaii'd  her  virtue  I  lick'd  her  teats  !  685 

And  almost  scared  her  into  fits  ! 
And  what  excuse  did  he  prefer 
For  such  assault  I  The  treacherous  Cur 
Attempts  to  prove  our  Mammoth  king 
Would  pardon  such  a  trifling  thing :  690 


BEASTS    AT    LAW.  9-> 

But  finding  his  intreaties  vain, 

This  virtuous  Goat's  consent  to  gain, 

He  next  this  awful  threat  applies  : 

"If  you  your  reputation  prize, 

Keep  this  a  secret... .or  I  swear,  695 

By  the  official  garb  I  wear, 

I'll  tell  the  flock,  and  they'll  believe  it, 

What  damns  your  fame.. ..you  can't  retrieve  it." 

Besides  all  this,  to  gam  his  ends, 

lie  thus  the  horrid  act  commends :  700 

"  If  I,  your  shepherd,  dare  commit  it, 

Sure  your  own  conscience  may  acquit  it ; 

Why,  I  have  twice  perforra'd  the  thing, 

And  yet  am  honored  by  the  king ; 

So  far  from  losing  reputation,  70S 

I've  been  promoted  to  this  station." 

He  then  the  well-known  fable  brought, 

About  the  mouse  by  Lion  cv.aght, 

To  demonstrate  that  any  ill 

Can  find  forgiveness,  if  we  will.  710 

"  Tis  stated  that  a  combination 
Is  formed  to  blast  his  reputation : 
I'll  grant  it.. ..but  'tis  not  my  client, 
Nor  yet  the  Ass,  or  ?,!ule,  rely  on" c, 
Who  form  this  combination.. ..No  I 
Those  who  have  plann'cl  his  overthrow, 
Are  his  own  counsel  and  the  thr 
Of  evidence  they  brought  along  ; 
Whose  tales  have  shock'cl  each  modest  car. 
And  cail'd  forth  delicacy's  tear ; 
Thrill'd  every  virtuous  heart  wit 
And  damn'd  the  Mastiff,  pv 


96  BEASTS    AT    LAW. 

"  And  first,  fair  Ovis....her  report 
Can  never  influence  such  a  court  j 
Suppose  that  CAPRA  ask'd  the  Cur,  72$ 

As  Ovis  swears,  to  visit  her  ; 
Suppose  he  shared  her  choicest  food, 
Does't  follow  that  the  Goat  w,as  rude  ? 
NO....OVIS,  by  her  evidence, 

Pourtrays  herself  the  slave  of  sense  ;  7*30 

A  loose,  light,  giddy,  wanton  ewe, 
As  e'er  disgraced  the  bleating  crew; 
The  "  weak  spit"  story  I  despise 
As  I  clo  her  that  gave  it  rise. 

As  to  the  Magpie's  declaration*.  735 

It  merits  no  investigation  ; 
And  POLL,  the  Parrot's,  is  so  vile, 
To  touch  it  would  my  tongue  defile. 
The  Pigeon  is  a  pretty  bird, 

But  when  her  vulgar  tale  I  heard,  740 

So  foreign  from  her  honest  duly, 
1  could  not  but  forget  her  beauty. 
The  Ringdove's  story  claims  attention,,.. 
For  if  'tis  more  than  mere  invention, 
Jt  proves,  in  spite  of  all  they  say,       v  745 

That  CANIS  met  the  Goat  half  way.    • 
NUMIDICA,  the  Turkey's  tale? 
If  you  believe  it,  cannot  fail 
To  damn  the  Dog.. ..for  she  affirms, 
In  the  most  plain  and  vulgar  terms?  750 

That  Canis  did  commit  the  act.,.-, 


r^CP  Whrt!  another  deficiency !  Gentle  reader,  Jt  is  nat 
lilt     When  I  commenced  the  translation  I  thought  live 


BLASTS    AT    LAW.  97 

work  was  perfect  and  entire  ;  but  now  find,  to  my  great  HIOP- 
titication,  that  more  than  half  the  third  Canto  is  missing- 
Even  LEO'S  most  excellent  charge  to  the  jury  is  involved  in 
the  same  fate,  excepting-  a  small  portion  of  it,  in  which  he 
sums  up  the  evidence,  and  explains  the  law,  in  a  most  mas 
terly  manner.  He  then  goes  on  to  reprobate  the  immoral 
tendency  of  such  trials  upon  public  morals,  and  concludes 
in  the  following  manner  :~] 

'  t(  And  lastly,  gentle  Bulls,  if  you 

Believe  that  CAMS  did  pursue 

The  lecherous  course  imputed  to  him, 

Your  verdict  must,  and  will,  undo  hinj.  9  SO 

But  if,  again,  'tis  your  opinion, 

That  CAPRA,  under  lust's  dominion, 

Invited  what  she  now  calls/ore?, 

You  must  acquit  the  Dog  of  course." 

[|Cr*  SAMPFILIUS  then  informs  us,  in  a  note,  that  tlie 
jury  retired  about  midnight,  and  after  consulting  on  the  sub 
ject  an  hour,  returned  into  Court  and  delivered  the  following* 
verdict  by  their  foreman:] 

"  The  jury,  having  weigh'd  the  cause,  985 

By  justice,  truth,  and  virtue's  laws, 
Beg  leave  to  state,  that  all  their  talents 
Can  find  no  difference  in  the  balance ; 
And  so  this  verdict  bring  on  oath.... 
"  The  Dog  and  Goat  are  Guilty  both."  990 

"  Since  that's  the  case,  the  judge  replies, 
With  me  alone  the  duty  lies, 
First  to  exhort  you  to  repentance, 
And  then  declare  our  final  sentence  : 

"  BE  Dog  and  Goat  together  tied  :  995 

A  ho9d-wink'd  Ape  with  lash  supplied, 


98  BEASTS    AT    LAW.    * 

And  while  each  stroke  at  random  falls* 

The  first  that  winces,  cries,  or  squalls,. 

Shall  be  the  scoff  of  all  the  race, 

And  held  in  abject,  low  disgrace/'  1000 


BSD  •?  THE 


NOTES  TO  CANTO  I. 


52d  line.  A  Mammoth  held  his  regal  sway,  &c, 
As  I  expect  all  the  Critics  upon  my  back,  I  intend,  if  pos- 
sible,  to  anticipate  their  attacks.  I  have  already  been  quiz 
zed  upon  my  author's  introducing-  a  Mammoth  on  the  stage, 
when  he  was  an  Arabian,  and  could  never  have  heard  of  such 
an  animal.  But  I  hope  the  doubts  of  my  readers,  on  this 
head,  will  be  dispelled,  on  perusing  the  following- brief  sketch 
of  the  history  of  SAMPFI  LI  us  PHILOERIN,  which  I  have  hasti 
ly  compiled  from  the  folio  Biography  in  my  possession.  In 
deed,  I  had  contemplated  giving  this  interesting  work  to  the 
public  entire ;  but  am  now  determined  to  decline  it,  until 
their  patronage  for  the  poem  shall  have  convinced  me  they 
are  deserving  of  such  an  exquisite  treat. 

SAMPFILIUS  PHILOERIN  was  born  in  Arabia  Felix,  about 
the  time  that  Cyrus  had  extended  his  conquests  over  all  the 
kingdoms  of  the  East.  SAMPTILIUS  was  a  direct  descend 
ant,  in  the  male  line,  of  Ishmael,  the  son  of  Hagar,  fdle-de- 
chambre  to  the  patriarch  Abraham.  He  had  the  advantage 
of  an  excellent  education,  and  early  imbibed  a  thorough 
knowledge  of  mankind.  His  fables  were  comprised  in  twelve 
royal  quarto  volumes,  and  rendered  him  famous  throughout 
the  east  before  he  was  six  years  old  ;  but  these  were  "lost 
iu  the  vortex  of  revolutions,"  long  before  the  art  of  printing- 
\vas  invented.  Ere  he  attained  the  age  of  manhood,  he  be 
came  so  disgusted  with  the  despotism  under  which  he  exist 
ed,  that  he  involved  his  whole  &mily  in  ruin  by  too  public  an* 
expression  of  his  disaffection.  Finding  himself  an  outcast 
among  his  countrymen,  and  his  very  life  in  danger,  he  re 
solved  on  seeking  his  fortune  in  a  foreign  clime,  and  thus  to 
gratify  an  inordinate  thirst  for  travelling,  which  he  had  long 
cheris'hed.  He  accordingly  disguised  himself  in  the  habit  of 
a  -wandering  Arab,  and  commenced  his  new  career  amid  dan 
gers  and  difficulties,  which  a  soul  of  inferior  talejxts  and  firm* 
ness  would  have  despaired  of  surmounting. 


100  BEASTS    AT 

After  visiting-  every  part  of  Asia,  he  found  himself,  at  the 
age  of  forty,  in  the  most  north-eastern  extremity  of  those  in 
clement  regions  which  have  since  become  a  portion  of  the 
Itussian  empire  ;  and  at  length  safely  landed  on  the  shores  of 
this  continent,  on  a  cuke  of  ice.  Here  he  had  to  encounter 
i'resh  difficulties,  and  renew  the  fatigue  of  travelling  over 
enormous  mountains  of  ice  and  snow,  some  dozen  times 
higher  than  the  Andes,  in  search  of  a  less  frigid  region,  in. 
which  he  might  rest  from  the  toils  of  a  tour  so  unpleasant 
and  unprofitable  as  the  one  in  which,  for  twenty  years,  he  had 
been  thus  engaged.  At  the  end  of  about  six  months  he  at 
tained  his  wish,  and  found  himself  on  the  fertile  banks  of  the 
Mississippi,  in  the  summer  season.  Here  a  new  creation 
burst  upon  his  enraptured  view ;  and  he  almost  imagined' 
himself  in  the  spicy  groves  of  his  native  soil,  inhaling  the  am 
brosial  fragrance  of  Arabia's  odoriferous  zephyrs.  He  soon 
learned  that  he  was  in  the  midst  of  an  empire  of  civilized 
brutes,  governed  by  a  monarch,  whose  goodness  was  only 
equalled  by  his  size.  Here  he  resolved  to  fix  his  abode,  and 
here  he  did  in  fact  reside  until  the  termination  of  his  earthly 
existence.  Previous  to  his  death,  he  collected  together  his 
papers,  and  after  destroying  those  which  he  thought  of  no 
consequence  to  some  future  age  which  he  anticipated,  he  en 
closed  the  remainder  in  a  solid  spar  of  crystal,  and  sunk 
them  in  the  river  on  whose  banks  he  expired. 

Centuries  rolled  away,  and  this  virtuous  race  of  animals 
gradually  declined,  giving  place  to  a  new  order  of  beings, 
viz  :  the  red  men  of  the  wood,  who  made  it  their  business  to 
extirpate,  by  every  mean  in  their  power,  the  former  inhabit 
ants  of  this  sylvan  paradise.  The  Mammoth  king  shared 
i.hc  common  fate  ;  and  his  bones  are  now  exhibited  in  an  Eu 
ropean  museum. 

About  two  months  ago,  as  a  Boat  was  descending  the  Mis 
sissippi,  one  of  the  boatmen,  a  little  elevated  with  whiskey, 
Jell  overboard^ and  went  instantly  to  the  bottom.  His  com 
rades,  after  a  vast  deal  of  difficulty,  at  length  discovered  the 
body,  on  the  oozy  bed  of  the  river,,  clinging  fast  to  the  very 
spar  of  crystal  above  mentioned.  In  a  few  hours  they  suc 
ceeded  in  getting  their  companion,  and  the  apparent  object 
of  his  affection,  out  of  the  river.  The  man  was  dead  ;  but  the 
jnanuscripts  of  SAMPFILIUS  PHII.OERIN  were  thus  acci 
dentally  rescued  from  the  waters  of  oblivion,  forthe  applause 
of  an  admiring  world.  The  papers  being  all  written  in  Ara 
bic,  (mere  heathen  CJreek  to  the  boatmen)  I  had  no  difficulty 
in  procuring  them  ;  and  the  spar  of  crystal  is  now  deposited 
in  the  American  Museum,  kept  by  Mr.  Scudder,  in  this  city, 
where  those  who  have  the  curiosity  may  examine  it  at  thcii1 
kisuie. 


BEASTS    AT,  LAW.         .,.    .     10 1 


The  above  sketch  is  but  the  faint  oUtl'me*  of  sm  enolraous  ' 
XTOrk,  which,  as  I-said  before,  I  will  not  give  the  public,  unless 
they  pay  me  well  for  "  Zoologian  Jurisprudence"  which  being- 
the  author's  last  production,  will,  I  think,  be  a  correct  crite-. 
rion  by  which  the  public  may  judge  of  his  other  works, 

108th  /.     jy^re  not  such  rakes  as  noty-a~-days,  8cc. 

Through  the  whole  of  this  Poem,  SAMPFILIUS  seems  to 
have  been  aware  that  he  was  not  writing-  for  the  times  in 
\viuch  he  lived  ;  but,  with  an  eye  to  futurity,  has  taken  par 
ticular  care  to  suit  his  language  to  ours.  Thus,  a  kiss,  of 
which  there  is  so  much  fuss  made  in  this  trial,  conveys  to  our 
imagination  (as  the  author  intended)  the  mere  joining-  of 
|ips  ;  but  the  beasts  of  his  day  had  a  very  different  mode  of 
doing  it,  and  one  peculiar  to  themselves  ;  but  which  was, 
nevertheless,  for  all  the  world,  a  bonajide  KISS,  and  nothing 
less  or  more. 
• 

166th  L     "JFIwo-hoo.'   Whoo-hoo  >   JFhoo-hoo  >" 
This  it  seems  was  the  Zoologian  mode  of  opening1   court 
and  it  appears  to  sound  as  well,  and  contain  full  as  much 
meaning,  as  our  modern  "O  yes  !  O  yes  !  O  yes  !" 

293d  I.     Your  boa-ships  are  to  hear  a  suit,  &c. 

There  is  a  doubt  on  my  mind  respecting  this  word.  Wliethec. 
it  be  synonomous  with  mazier,  or  /orJ-ships,  or  whetiiei  it  be 
derived  from  the  latm  word  for  bull,  the  learned  mi^st  de;c-;- 
mine. 

384th  /.     Fortve'vcpome  anchors  thrown  to  ivindvjard,  &c. 

This  is  evidently  an  anachronism,  as  it  is  not  to  be  suppo* 
sed  that  these  beasts  knew  any  thing  about  navigation.     But 
my  learned  friend  Tristram  Kickshins  differs  with  me  in  opin 
ion,  and  asserts  that  it  is  sufficiently  demonstrated  that  they 
did  know  something  about  that  art,  in  the  398th  line,  where 
it  makes  mention  of  the  beasts  marching  on  board  the  ship 
of  cap t.  Noah.     But  I  take  this,  and  every  tihing  of  a  siinih;-- 
nature  in  the  poem,  to  be  an. expression  of  the  author,   ; 
not  of  the  beast  to  whom  it  is  attributed.      It  is  a  figmv 
£oetica  lwentiat  for  ^7Ui-;h  any  candid  rcad?r  will  v'l- 


NOTES  TO  CANTO  II. 


144th  line.     +4  passion  for  the  smell  of  ponder,  &c. 

O  wonderful-spirit  of  prophecy,  that  ould  thus  foretel  the 
Invention  of  gunpowder  !  Had  this  s'tory  been  written  for 
Zooiogian  libraries,  at  that  day,  it  could  not  have  been  com 
prehended. 

767th  /.     But  I  have  heard  he  kiss'd  the  Cat,  &c. 

As  the  affection  of  CANIS  for  the  Cat  has  been  several 
times  mentioned  in  the  course  of  this  poem,  and  as  that  cir 
cumstance  appears  repugnant  to  the  practice  of  these  times, 
an  explanation  may  be  necessary.  Know,  therefore,  that  in 
ancient  times,  there  was  not  that,  positive  distinction  among1 
animals  which  exists  at  the  present  day ;  and  in  the  Pug-, 
the  Greyhound,  Lap  dog-  Sec.  we  find  the  descendants  of 
Dog  and  Cat.  A  particular  fondness  is  said  to  have  existed 
for  the  Lap  Dog  by  all  the  brute  creation,  and  especially  the 
€at.  And  notwithstanding-  the  growing  evil  which  the  too 
frequently  indulging  this  animal  has  occasioned,  we  find  it 
continued  even  until  this  late  period.  Hence  we  account  for 
the  motley  variety  visible  in  almost  every  tribe  of  animals. 

250th  L     Thane-vest  cuifor pigeon--cings,  &c. 

It  is  not  to  be  supposed  that  the  polite  accomplishment  of 
iff  had  ever  been  introduced  among1  the  savage  race  ; 
how  then,  exclaiTLis  the  critic,  became  they  acquainted  with 
one  of  the  most  beautiful  steps  belonging-  to  that  art?  Why, 
Mr.  What-d'ye-caU'em,  Fashion,  that  fickle  goddess,  eldest 
daughter  of  Iris,  by  that  unparalleled  rake  Old  Mr.  Caprice,,. 
has  existed  in  all  ages,  courtlries,  nations,  kingdoms  and 
people,  biped  or  quadruped,  civilized  or  uncivilized,  ever 
.since  Adam  and  Eve  emerged  from  swaddling-clothes.  Is  ft, 
then,  so  very  unnatural,  sir,  that  two  females  should  con 
verse  upon  "the  subject  of  dress  and  ornament,  when  they 


BEASTS   AT    1AW.  103 

were  alone  together  for  one  whole  hour?  In  this  kingdom  of 
brutes,  at  the  time  my  author  wrote,  the  shape  of  wings, 
the  color  of  hair,  and  the  crook  of  horns,  were  esteemed 
considerations  of  the  first  importance.  Let  this  explanation 
serve  for  every  other  passage  in  the  whole  poem,  where  there 
is  the  shadow  of  allusion  to  the  same  subject. 

My  friend  Samuel  must  be  mistaken,  when  he  declares  that 
the  daughter  of  Iris  was  begotten  by  Mister  Caprice.  Jt  is 
not  in  the  nature  of  things  to  suppose  Caprice  is  any  thing 
more  or  less  than  a  woman.  I  and  Doctor  Johnson,  both  of 
us,  agree  in  this  ;  and  also  Mr.  Shakspeare,  who  says, 

"  Frailty,  thy  name  is  woman  / 

And  for  a  more  strong-  conviction,  I  say,  in  my  Classical 
Dissertation  on  the  nature  of  Things, 

0  !  Woman  !   What  art  thou,  Woman  ! 

Tristram  Jfickshins. 


692d  L     He  -wept,  and  so  did  the  committee,  &c. 

"ADo^wecp!  nonsense!  such  a  thing  was  never  heard 
of— I'd  not  believe  it,  though  himself  should  swear  it  "  Why, 
my  friend,  you  must  be  an  ignorant  puppy,  if  you  really  doubt 
the  fact.  How  do  you  define  the  word  weep  ?  I  tell  you,  once 
for  all,  that  there  is  a  Zoologian  method  ot  -weeping  as  well  as 
of  kissing.  Every  thing  has  i*s  mode.  Who  does  not  know 
that  a  Deer,  taken  by  the  hounds,  sheds  tears  like  a  man  ? 
Some  brutes  possess  more  sensibility  than  some  men. 

Translator, 

My  learned  friend  Samuel  is  correct;  and  I  am  happy  to 
find  he  agrees  with  myself  and  Dr  Johnson.  If  a  dog  is  ca 
pable  of  laughing,  why  should  we  suppose  he  is  deprived  the 
opposite  sensation  ?  for  instance, 

"  High  diddle  diddle,  the  Cat's  in  thejiddle, 

"  The  dish  run  ufter  the  spoon  ; 

««  The  Little  Dog  laugh'd  to  see  such  crcft, 

"  TliC  Cotv  jtimp'd  o"ver  the  moor," 

Harvey's  Jlfeditation,  in  the  Tombs. 

Thus  we  find,  from  undoubted  authority,  that  a  dog  can 
laugh  ;  and  to  prove  that  he  can  cry,  I  will  give  an  extract 
from  a  beautiful  Poem  which  I  wrote  on  Mosquito  shooting, 
where  I  say 

"  The  'Sketers  then  made  such  a  hum, 

"  The  little  dogs  all  wept— £y  Gym  .'" 

Tristram  Kickahina. 


104?  £EA*TS   AT    LAV. 

718th  I.     That  -which  -would  cause  an  Ass  to  blush. 
Would  bury  other  beasts  in  brush. 

At  tills  couplet  many  of  my  friends  have  stumbled ;  but  to 
me  it  appears  as  plain  as  A,  B,  C.  It  amounts  simply  to  this-: 
"  An  action  that  would  make  an  Ass  feel  ashamed,  would 
cause  othv,-r  beasts  to  fly  into  a  thicket,  and  hide  their  heads 
in  underwood  or  brush."  Translator: 

My  friend  Samuel  is  wrong  again.  The  Arabian  author 
meant,  brush .'  that  is,  be  off !  Or  as  a  Grecian  author  says, 

Push  on,  keep  moving,  my  hearty  ! 

And  1  have  classically  expressed  a  similar  sentiment  in  niy 
Dissertation  on  Earthen  Ware,  where  I  say, 
That  bitch  hassbroke  my  pickle  pot, 
And  she  shall  brush — by  all  that's  hot ! 

Tristram  Kickshins, 

853d  It     Perhaps  may  meet  a  bit  and  rein,  &c. 

This  is  the  second  time  that  this  expression  occurs  in  the 
present  work ;  and  we  cannot  help  observing,  that,  though 
Sampflius  might  have  been  well  acquainted  with  every 
equestrian  appendage,  still  we  cannot  conceive  now  a  Leop 
ard  should  be  so  familiar  with  the  terms. 

The  Translator. 


1'INIS. 


14  DAY  USE 

RETUP™  TO  DESK  FROM  WHICH  P 


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